Ford Junior found himself behind pirate bars as a prisoner in a replica of Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” log ride. But it was more like a security surveillance room where he noticed several tv panels displaying camera views of the waterpark. He felt a throbbing pain coming from a huge massive knot on his head and remembered that mermaid harpe tricking him into a dark corner and then getting jumped by horribly costumed pirates. It wasn’t long before those same pirates dropped his buddy Jack in the prison cell with him.
“Well, well, well… if it isn’t the Waterpark Wedgie twins from Watermania. Catch any good wedgies lately?” laughed Blackbeard Billy with his twin Asian mermaids standing on either side of him as if they were his bodyguards, the same cute mermaids that tricked Jack and Junior.
“Jack, wake up!” said Junior pushing on an unconscious Jack.
“You boys have been the perfect PR pussy pawns any competitor could have hoped for,” smiled Blackbeard Billy amusingly. One of the mermaids handed him Jack’s cell phone and started watching the video clips of his own water park.
“Dude, you can’t hold us hostage like this,” said Junior angrily.
“For catching two corporate spies? Yes, I can,” said Billy.
Jack was slowly coming to and felt his head throb. He started to mumble, “Dude, herpes, the herpes are after us.”
Junior helped his friend sit up, “Bro, that’s Harpe, Greek mythology.”
“Herpes, harpies, sirens, mermaids, what’s the difference? Where are we, dude?” asked Jack.
With a remote control, Blackbeard Billy switched the views on the tv panels so that they played Tik Tok videos. The mermaid twins started to laugh at what they were watching. When Jack and Junior heard the girls laugh, they looked over to see their embarrassing Tik Tok videos of them in their park uniforms caught in the crack of their asses.
“I bet Tammy is having a field day with this crap,” laughed Billy. “And I can’t believe she gave you two a job after getting fired from a manure factory. She must have felt sorry for you.”
“Dude, did you just graduate from the alien asshole academy last year or what?” asked Junior.
“Bro, that’s sci-fi,” said Jack correcting him.
“I have a right to be an asshole, especially when I find two corporate spies helping a cheater trying to get away with more murder! Well, cheating whores never prosper, and I’ll be dammed if I allow Tammy to continue her cheating ways. I understand that you two boys don’t know much about Tammy. So, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Tammy, your HR manager of Watermania, not only was cheating and winning the medley relay races almost every year until recently, but she also cheated and stole my fiancé. I will NEVER forgive her for that!” As he told his story, Billy’s eyes started to fill up with tears. He had a picture of his fiancé sitting nearby, picked it up, and looked at it. It was the same blond Lifeguard that now worked at Watermania.
“You’re lying, dude. Tammy said you’re the one that’s cheating,” said Junior.
“Oh really? Then what do you call this?” Billy pressed a button on his remote control that switched the tv monitor’s view. It showed Tammy paying money to a pirate team member with a bandaged ankle.
When Jack and Junior realized what they were watching, their eyes grew big, ‘Oh shit!’
“I have a right to avenge my honor for what she’s done. And now I have caught her red-handed. The police will be here shortly to take you two to jail,” said Billy, leaving with his mermaids.
Jack and Junior didn’t know what to think at that moment. Tammy, their manager and work savior, a cheater? What did they get themselves into? All they wanted was a job. Now they were caught in a baffling and backward battle between dueling waterparks.
“We’re heading down shit creek once again, bro,” said Jack.
“Don’t say that,” said Junior.
“Blackbeard isn’t our boss, and we haven’t been shit-canned,”
“Dude, why do you have to be such a downer?” asked Junior.
“Have you looked in the mirror lately? We’re stuck in the mud again, and no one can help us. We have no control over our own lives.”
“Who are you?” asked Junior.
“What do you mean, who am I?”
“No balls, dude. You are not the Jujutsu Jack I knew growing up.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Jujutsu Jack had big dreams and a big imagination. He didn’t care who was watching. And he wouldn’t give up on himself either. So, who are you, dude?”
“Maybe I’m being more realistic?”
“You know what, Jack? I think you’re scared, just like me.”
Jack was quiet for a moment and then he said, “I don’t want to go down like this.”
“So, let’s take our balls back, Jack. Let’s man up and fight our way out of this. Where is that Jujutsu Jackknife?” asked Junior.
After contemplating their sappy scenario, Jack imagined himself jumping whoever was the first to unlock their jail cell in a sneak MMA attack. Now was the time to grow a big giant pair of gonads.
Hours passed without Jack and Junior, and Emma was worried about them. Where did they run off to? Ken wore himself out and dozed off under a beach umbrella, and Luna was decorating her snoring dad with colorful fingerpaints.
“Ken, where are the boys?” asked Emma trying to push Ken awake.
“Probably out playing that corporate spy game; they’ll be back soon,” said Ken, barely awake, then he went back to sleep.
“Shit,” said Emma. She had forgotten the dinner conversation entirely, considering she got caught up in giving her husband a lap dance. Disappointed by her one-track mind, she shook her head and decided to look for the boys independently. She attached an ankle leash to Luna and the other end to Ken’s arm, ensuring that Luna could not run away. She was sure to track those boys down so they could all leave together and return home. So off she went on an all too typical man-hunt and paid an old friend a surprise visit.
It wasn’t long before Emma found Blackbeard Billy taking snapshots with happy park fans. Being the mascot for his waterpark helped to keep his mood up in high spirits. Emma was next in line and prepped herself for that perfect selfie pose.
“Hey, my little Willie Billy, remember me?” asked Emma when Billy placed his arm around her shoulders for the photo opp. But his face froze in fear, the memory of that nickname formed a dark cloud in his mind. He looked at Emma with more sincerity and then realized how he possibly could have known her.
“It’s been a few years. How ya doing?” she asked.
“I’m sorry, I seem to have lost my memory. Where was it that we met?” he asked her back.
“Well, I’ll give you a little hint: you used to drive all the way to Omaha to visit our little ‘night’ club. You were one of my best customers,” said Emma with a smirk.
Billy laughed nervously as if he had just heard a joke, then ushered Emma out of hearing distance so they could talk privately.
“All right, little girl, you have my attention. Is it money you want? Food? Birth control? What is it? I don’t have much.”
“Calm down there, bearded banana blister, I don’t want anything from you. I do, however, need help in locating two twenty-year-olds that may be lost in your waterpark.”
“Have you looked around the park recently? We got twenty-somethings all over this park. Finding just two is like finding a couple of needles in a haystack.”
Emma showed him the Tik Tok video of Jack and Junior, “You sure you haven’t seen these two? I mean, I know what kind of surveillance you have here.” She inched her way closer to his body and pushed her breasts onto his arm. Her mouth got really close to his ear, and she said in a soft, sweet, seductive voice, “You couldn’t help but confess your old dirty construction secrets when I was right in between your legs, rubbing your thighs, massaging your backside.”
Billy succumbed to her seductions and replied, “Give me ten minutes; I’ll have them meet you outside the front entrance.”
Emma smiled, kissed him on the cheek then said, “You’re the best, my little Willie Billy.”
After she left, Billy wiped his forehead beading with sweat and made his way to release his prisoners.
Jack was inspecting their pirate jail cell’s construction and wondered if it was really locked or made to look real. He poked at the wall and felt only cardboard. Then he kicked it and was surprised that his foot went right through it.
“This shit was fake the whole time?” asked Jack.
“Dude, try the door,” said Junior.
Jack kicked at the door and broke it open. But when they rushed out of their fake prison, Blackbeard Billy stepped in front of their path. Jack was ready to attack.
“It’s okay. You’re free to go,” said Billy.
“You mean you’re not turning us in to the police?” asked Jack.
“You two are banned from ever walking into this waterpark again! Do you hear me? Now get out of here. You got people waiting for you outside the front entrance.” Billy felt a little defeated but relieved as the boys rushed out.
“Dude, your Jujutsu Jackknife worked!” said Junior as they ran out the front entrance to see Ken, Emma, and Luna waiting in the car.
It wasn’t long before they passed by the highway sign which read, “Welcome to Omaha,” in the setting sun.
Now that Jack and Junior were safely back home, it was time to have a beer while sitting by a fire lit in their backyard pit so they could process the day they just had. The boys were silent while gazing at the soft orange timbers of the fire, slowly sipping on their beers.
“I don’t buy it,” said Jack.
“Buy what?” asked Junior.
“There’s no way he would let us go that easily.”
“Bro, who cares? We were about to bust out anyways.”
“Fuck, Billy still has my phone. What are we going to tell Tammy?” asked Jack.
“I don’t think we should say anything; we need to be careful about this,” said Junior.
“Yea, but we can’t go back to work empty-handed.”
“Tell her you lost it.”
“You boys got yourselves in a whole heap of trouble there,” said Emma sitting by the fire with a can of beer.
“Can it be any more obvious?” asked Junior sarcastically.
“You gotta be careful about Billy; he’s really competitive,” said Emma.
“How do you know Billy?” asked Jack.
“It was before my shotgun wedding with Ken; Billy was one of our little club’s high-paying customers.”
“You and Billy?” asked Junior.
“Don’t tell your brother. It was from a past life.”
“It was you, wasn’t it?” asked Jack.
“What?” asked Junior.
“Emma was the one that bailed us out. He let us go because of her.”
Emma shot-gunned her beer and said, “Maybe. But you guys got some ammo now. You gotta be careful with whom you’re dealing with, and one of them happens to be your boss.”
“Yea, no shit,” said Jack agreeing with Emma.
“But don’t leave her in the dark. You gotta give her something juicy, something about Billy. I know you boys won’t tell Ken about this, but you can tell your boss about Billy whoring in our strip club while he had his fiancé. I tried to help him with his impotence problem. But he was still having trouble,” explained Emma.
“No shit?” asked Junior while looking down at his crotch.
“Oh please, Jesus, please don’t let my penis fail,” prayed Jack to himself.
“The way I figure it, you boys have twenty more years before you start your Viagra juice journeys,” said Larry from behind the group.
“Speak for yourself, Larry,” said Emma.
“But don’t worry, boys. You can now download a trusty app on your cell phone, answer a few chat questions, then presto mailbox-o, Viagra at your doorstep, just like ordering a pizza, praise Jesus!” said Larry.
“Sweet Larry and his technological wisdom,” Emma rolled her eyes.
“Yea, and I even graduated with your husband. How about that?” said Larry with a smile.
“Goodnight, Larry,” said Emma, leaving to go inside her home.
Their great and wise landlord, Larry, killed whatever buzz the group had.