Ford Junior found himself behind pirate
bars as a prisoner in a replica of Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” log
ride. But it was more like a security
surveillance room where he noticed several tv panels displaying camera views of
the waterpark. He felt a throbbing pain
coming from a huge massive knot on his head and remembered that
mermaid harpe tricking him into a dark corner and then getting jumped by horribly
costumed pirates. It wasn’t long before
those same pirates dropped his buddy Jack in the prison cell with him.
“Well, well, well… if it isn’t the
Waterpark Wedgie twins from Watermania.
Catch any good wedgies lately?” laughed Blackbeard Billy with his twin
Asian mermaids standing on either side of him as if they were his bodyguards,
the same cute mermaids that tricked Jack and Junior.
“Jack, wake up!” said Junior pushing
on an unconscious Jack.
“You boys have been the perfect PR pussy
pawns any competitor could have hoped for,” smiled Blackbeard Billy
amusingly. One of the mermaids handed
him Jack’s cell phone and started watching the video clips of his own water park.
“Dude, you can’t hold us hostage like
this,” said Junior angrily.
“For catching two corporate
spies? Yes, I can,” said Billy.
Jack was slowly coming to and felt his
head throb. He started to mumble, “Dude,
herpes, the herpes are after us.”
Junior helped his friend sit up, “Bro,
that’s Harpe, Greek mythology.”
“Herpes, harpies, sirens, mermaids, what’s
the difference? Where are we, dude?”
asked Jack.
With a remote control, Blackbeard
Billy switched the views on the tv panels so that they played Tik Tok
videos. The mermaid twins started to
laugh at what they were watching. When Jack
and Junior heard the girls laugh, they looked over to see their embarrassing Tik
Tok videos of them in their park uniforms caught in the crack of their asses.
“I bet Tammy is having a field day
with this crap,” laughed Billy. “And I
can’t believe she gave you two a job after getting fired from a manure
factory. She must have felt sorry for
you.”
“Dude, did you just graduate from the
alien asshole academy last year or what?” asked Junior.
“Bro, that’s sci-fi,” said Jack
correcting him.
“I have a right to be an asshole,
especially when I find two corporate spies helping a cheater trying to get away
with more murder! Well, cheating whores
never prosper, and I’ll be dammed if I allow Tammy to continue her cheating
ways. I understand that you two boys
don’t know much about Tammy. So, I’m
going to let you in on a little secret.
Tammy, your HR manager of Watermania, not only was cheating and
winning the medley relay races almost every year until recently, but she also
cheated and stole my fiancé. I will NEVER forgive her for that!” As he told his
story, Billy’s eyes started to fill up with tears. He had a picture of his fiancé sitting
nearby, picked it up, and looked at it.
It was the same blond Lifeguard that now worked at Watermania.
“You’re lying, dude. Tammy said you’re the one that’s cheating,”
said Junior.
“Oh really? Then what do you call this?” Billy pressed a
button on his remote control that switched the tv monitor’s view. It showed Tammy paying money to a pirate team
member with a bandaged ankle.
When Jack and Junior realized what
they were watching, their eyes grew big, ‘Oh shit!’
“I have a right to avenge my honor for
what she’s done. And now I have caught
her red-handed. The police will be here
shortly to take you two to jail,” said Billy, leaving with his mermaids.
Jack and Junior didn’t know what to
think at that moment. Tammy, their
manager and work savior, a cheater? What
did they get themselves into? All they
wanted was a job. Now they were caught
in a baffling and backward battle between dueling waterparks.
“We’re heading down shit creek once
again, bro,” said Jack.
“Don’t say that,” said Junior.
“Why not?”
“Blackbeard isn’t our boss, and we
haven’t been shit-canned,”
“Not yet.”
“Dude, why do you have to be such a
downer?” asked Junior.
“Have you looked in the mirror
lately? We’re stuck in the mud again,
and no one can help us. We have no
control over our own lives.”
“Who are you?” asked Junior.
“What do you mean, who am I?”
“No balls, dude. You are not the Jujutsu Jack I knew growing
up.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Jujutsu Jack had big dreams and a
big imagination. He didn’t care who was
watching. And he wouldn’t give up on
himself either. So, who are you, dude?”
“Maybe I’m being more realistic?”
“You know what, Jack? I think you’re scared, just like me.”
Jack was quiet for a moment and then he said, “I don’t want to go down like this.”
“So, let’s take our balls back, Jack. Let’s man up and fight our way out of this. Where is that Jujutsu Jackknife?” asked Junior.
After contemplating their sappy
scenario, Jack imagined himself jumping whoever was the first to unlock their
jail cell in a sneak MMA attack. Now was
the time to grow a big giant pair of gonads.
Hours passed without Jack and Junior, and
Emma was worried about them. Where did
they run off to? Ken wore himself out
and dozed off under a beach umbrella, and Luna was decorating her snoring dad
with colorful fingerpaints.
“Ken, where
are the boys?” asked Emma trying to push Ken awake.
“Probably out
playing that corporate spy game; they’ll be back soon,” said Ken, barely awake,
then he went back to sleep.
“Shit,” said
Emma. She had forgotten the dinner
conversation entirely, considering she got caught up in giving her husband a
lap dance. Disappointed by her one-track
mind, she shook her head and decided to look for the boys independently. She attached an ankle leash to Luna and the
other end to Ken’s arm, ensuring that Luna could not run away. She was sure to track those boys down so they
could all leave together and return home.
So off she went on an all too typical man-hunt and paid an old friend a
surprise visit.
It wasn’t
long before Emma found Blackbeard Billy taking snapshots with happy park
fans. Being the mascot for his waterpark
helped to keep his mood up in high spirits.
Emma was next in line and prepped herself for that perfect selfie pose.
“Hey, my
little Willie Billy, remember me?” asked Emma when Billy placed his arm around her
shoulders for the photo opp. But his
face froze in fear, the memory of that nickname formed a dark cloud in his
mind. He looked at Emma with more
sincerity and then realized how he possibly could have known her.
“It’s been a
few years. How ya doing?” she asked.
“I’m sorry, I
seem to have lost my memory. Where was
it that we met?” he asked her back.
“Well, I’ll
give you a little hint: you used to drive all the way to Omaha to visit our
little ‘night’ club. You were one of my
best customers,” said Emma with a smirk.
Billy laughed
nervously as if he had just heard a joke, then ushered Emma out of hearing
distance so they could talk privately.
“All right,
little girl, you have my attention. Is
it money you want? Food? Birth control? What is it?
I don’t have much.”
“Calm down
there, bearded banana blister, I don’t want anything from you. I do, however, need help in locating two
twenty-year-olds that may be lost in your waterpark.”
“Have you
looked around the park recently? We got
twenty-somethings all over this park.
Finding just two is like finding a couple of needles in a haystack.”
Emma showed
him the Tik Tok video of Jack and Junior, “You sure you haven’t seen these
two? I mean, I know what kind of
surveillance you have here.” She inched
her way closer to his body and pushed her breasts onto his arm. Her mouth got really close to his ear, and she
said in a soft, sweet, seductive voice, “You couldn’t help but confess your old dirty construction secrets when I was right in between your legs, rubbing your
thighs, massaging your backside.”
Billy
succumbed to her seductions and replied, “Give me ten minutes; I’ll have them
meet you outside the front entrance.”
Emma smiled,
kissed him on the cheek then said, “You’re the best, my little Willie Billy.”
After she left, Billy wiped his forehead beading with sweat and made his way to release his prisoners.
Jack was
inspecting their pirate jail cell’s construction and wondered if it was really
locked or made to look real. He poked at
the wall and felt only cardboard. Then he
kicked it and was surprised that his foot went right through it.
“This shit
was fake the whole time?” asked Jack.
“Dude, try
the door,” said Junior.
Jack kicked
at the door and broke it open. But when
they rushed out of their fake prison, Blackbeard Billy stepped in front of
their path. Jack was ready to attack.
“It’s okay. You’re free to go,” said Billy.
“You mean
you’re not turning us in to the police?” asked Jack.
“You two are
banned from ever walking into this waterpark again! Do you hear me? Now get out of here. You got people waiting for you outside the
front entrance.” Billy felt a little
defeated but relieved as the boys rushed out.
“Dude, your Jujutsu
Jackknife worked!” said Junior as they ran out the front entrance to see Ken, Emma, and Luna waiting in the car.
It wasn’t
long before they passed by the highway sign which read, “Welcome to Omaha,” in
the setting sun.
Now that Jack and Junior were safely
back home, it was time to have a beer while sitting by a fire lit in
their backyard pit so they could process the day they just had. The boys were silent while
gazing at the soft orange timbers of the fire, slowly sipping on their beers.
“I don’t buy
it,” said Jack.
“Buy what?”
asked Junior.
“There’s no
way he would let us go that easily.”
“Bro, who
cares? We were about to bust out anyways.”
“Fuck, Billy
still has my phone. What are we going to
tell Tammy?” asked Jack.
“I don’t
think we should say anything; we need to be careful about this,” said Junior.
“Yea, but we
can’t go back to work empty-handed.”
“Tell her you
lost it.”
“You boys got
yourselves in a whole heap of trouble there,” said Emma sitting by the fire
with a can of beer.
“Can it be
any more obvious?” asked Junior sarcastically.
“You gotta be
careful about Billy; he’s really competitive,” said Emma.
“How do you
know Billy?” asked Jack.
“It was
before my shotgun wedding with Ken; Billy was one of our little club’s
high-paying customers.”
“You and
Billy?” asked Junior.
“Don’t tell
your brother. It was from a past life.”
“It was you,
wasn’t it?” asked Jack.
“What?” asked
Junior.
“Emma was the
one that bailed us out. He let us go
because of her.”
Emma
shot-gunned her beer and said, “Maybe.
But you guys got some ammo now.
You gotta be careful with whom you’re dealing with, and one of them
happens to be your boss.”
“Yea, no
shit,” said Jack agreeing with Emma.
“But don’t
leave her in the dark. You gotta give
her something juicy, something about Billy.
I know you boys won’t tell Ken about this, but you can tell your
boss about Billy whoring in our strip club while he had his fiancé. I tried to help him with his impotence
problem. But he was still having
trouble,” explained Emma.
“No shit?”
asked Junior while looking down at his crotch.
“Oh please,
Jesus, please don’t let my penis fail,” prayed Jack to himself.
“The way I
figure it, you boys have twenty more years before you start your Viagra juice
journeys,” said Larry from behind the group.
“Speak for
yourself, Larry,” said Emma.
“But don’t
worry, boys. You can now download a
trusty app on your cell phone, answer a few chat questions, then presto
mailbox-o, Viagra at your doorstep, just like ordering a pizza, praise Jesus!”
said Larry.
“Sweet Larry and his technological wisdom,” Emma rolled her eyes.
“Yea, and I
even graduated with your husband. How
about that?” said Larry with a smile.
“Goodnight,
Larry,” said Emma, leaving to go inside her home.
Their great
and wise landlord, Larry, killed whatever buzz the group had.