Every fourth of July for the past ten years, Watermania and
Pirate’s Plunge have a friendly contest for public relations and marketing
bragging rights; it's a lifeguard team relay race.
Watermania hosted last year’s event, so it was Pirate’s Plunge's turn to
host this summer’s event. Tammy said Pirate’s
Plunge was cheating, and she vowed to expose Blackbeard Billy and his dirty band
for their corruption. Blackbeard Billy was
the mascot and general manager. Tammy hadn’t
been able to surface any evidence proving Blackbeard Billy was cheating. But to make matters worse, a colossal
Pirate’s Plunge billboard sign was erected just on the outskirts of Omaha that
featured Blackbeard Billy’s laughing face.
“Tammy’s worried it could hurt Watermania’s
profit margin,” Jack told Junior while each one was lying in their own bed in their shared
bedroom.
“No shit?” asked Junior.
“That’s what Camilla said.”
“Shit is deep.”
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
“Guys, I have something to show you,”
said Emma from outside the door.
“What is it?” asked Junior.
Emma walked into the bedroom and showed
them a comedic music video clip on Tik Tok of Jack with a massive wedgie. It was apparent that Jack did not know someone
was recording him.
“Holy Shit!” said Jack, taking Emma’s
phone and inspecting the video as it looped repeatedly.
“It’s already got 12,000 views!” said
Junior.
“You guys need to report this,” said
Emma.
“Fuck, my life is ruined. How am I going to get laid now?”
“Seriously?” asked Emma
“Wait, what? I’m in it too?” Junior
recognized his backside in another tricky Tik Tok music clip.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say
someone has it out for you two,” said Emma.
“Fuck Watermania,” said Jack.
“Dude, we need to tell Tammy about
this,” said Junior.
“She ain’t gonna do shit!”
“What if it’s those Pirates?”
“Who the hell is following us around
and recording our backside whenever we have a wedgie?” asked Jack.
“Don’t you guys have security or
something at the park?” asked Emma.
“The Moose!” said Junior.
“Fuck, I don’t want to deal with that
guy,” said Jack wallowing in his self-pity.
“Well, okay, you boys can take it from
here,” said Emma making her departure.
“C’mon, bro, it ain’t right what they’re
doing to us,” explained Junior.
“Fine,” said a muffled Jack hiding
his head under a pillow, “My future as a forty-year-old virgin is becoming more
obvious now.”
“Dude, we are going to figure this
out, don’t you worry,” said Junior taking charge, ready to step up to the
plate. He knew his best friend needed
him.
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When Jack and Junior showed Tammy the Tik Tok videos the next day, she nodded as if she already saw them, “Sorry about that, guys. It looks like you two have been caught in somebody’s twisted and sadistic scheme.”
“So, what are you going to do about
it?” asked Junior
“Nothing,” replied Tammy.
“Nothing? Oh my god, my life is ruined,” said Jack.
“We got no proof who is
responsible. Just a handful of made-up
Tik Tokers. They could all belong to the
same guy. We don’t know who it is just
yet,” said Tammy.
“What if it’s Blackbeard Billy and his
Pirates?” asked Junior.
“Billy? Might.”
“What can you tell us about Billy,
Tammy?” asked Jack.
“Well, I don’t know. How loyal are you? Can I trust you?”
Jack and Junior were getting excited
as if Tammy was about to tell them something juicy.
“Why don’t you boys take the day off
tomorrow and pay Pirate’s Plunge a little visit? See if you can find out anything. Will you boys do that for me? And it will be my treat,” said Tammy smiling.
“You mean spy on Pirate’s Plunge?”
asked Jack.
“We can do that,” said Junior.
“And, you can take as many video clips
as you want of their park; you don’t work for them,” said Tammy.
“Doesn’t sound that hard,” said Jack.
“Have fun, boys,” said Tammy leaving
them to get back to work.
“YES!
This is, like, 007 shit!” Junior was even more excited about going on a
secret mission.
“Or 21-Jump Street,” said Jack.
“We got to have, like, some kind of
plan.”
“Plan?
Why don’t we just go have some fun?” asked Jack.
“We need a cover.”
“Let’s take Emma and the baby.”
“Good thinking. They would never suspect a family is
infiltrating Pirate’s Plunge.”
“Sure,” said Jack apprehensively. He was a little more reserved than Junior
about their secret trip and wasn’t sure what to expect. He knew he had to be on his guard if they visited
the enemy’s territory.
“I hear you boys got jobs at the
waterpark. How’s that going?” asked Ken. When the boys sat at the table, Jack got an
eye smack of baby food, followed by Luna chuckling.
“Luna, stop that,” said Emma.
“It’s going good, Ken,” said
Junior.
“Well, I hate to admit it, but I’m
kinda proud of you, Junior; you found a job all by yourself, considering Jujutsu
Jerk-off here,” said Ken. A spoonful of
baby food hit Junior on his cheek.
“Dude, why do you have to be hard on
us?” asked Junior.
“It seems you don’t get it, so let me
explain it to you, little brother: While our parents are banging it out in
Vegas as empty nesters, my job here has become to push you down so hard and so
low, and make you feel like slimy explosive dogshit coming out of the crack of
a whore’s ass, that one day you might just wake up to do something with your pathetic
piss-ant so-called life, that you are going to give that prostitute called Passion
the blow-job she deserves, to get the fuck out and show me a thing or two, that
you can and will be somebody other than a trailer-park resident. Otherwise, I would be a shitty brother just
letting you be complacent and letting you turn into some homeless drug addict giving Jujutsu
Joker here a blow job for money.”
“I think I get it,” said Junior.
“Well, it’s about dam time,” said Ken,
stuffing food in his face.
“Ask her, dude,” said Jack to Junior
under his breath.
“Ask what?” asked Ken.
“We were wondering if Emma and Luna
would like to go to Pirate’s Plunge with us tomorrow?” asked Junior, wiping
food off his face.
“Pirate’s Plunge? Isn’t that in Des Moines?” asked Emma.
“A little corporate spy game? I get it.
Why don’t we all go tomorrow? I
could use a little family bonding,” said Ken.
“I love it when you get all, family
gorilla man,” said Emma jumping in Ken’s lap.
“I knew you would,” said Ken to Emma, preparing
for a lap dance.
Junior and Jack were getting
uncomfortable with the scene unfolding and got up to leave the table.
“Dude, we need to hurry and find
another place to live,” said Jack.
“No shit,” said Junior.
“HEY! Can one of you boys put some music on?” yelled
Ken as they walked away. Luna kept throwing
food at the boys and giggled in the process.
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Pirate’s Plunge Waterpark was designed
to look like the ultimate pirate party palace with twisty and curvy black water
slides, heavily decorated with
numerous pirate-themed plaster statues, skull and crossbones motifs, and fake
treasures galore enticing every customer about to walk through its entrance. Ken led the way from the parking lot holding
Luna in his arms, followed by Emma in her string bikini. Jack and Junior lingered behind them as if
they were embarrassed to be seen, but Jack
quickly remembered to get his cell phone and recorded video shots of the front
entrance while Junior pointing out the surveillance cameras.
“Dude, do a trick or something,” said Jack.
“What?” asked Junior.
“Smoke screen, dude, can’t make it
look so obvious.”
Junior was just about to do a
cartwheel when Ken jumped in and put him in a headlock for the video shot Jack
was taking, “Did you get that, Jack? You
should put that on Tik Tok,” laughed Ken.
Emma waved to all of them from the ticket counter and signaled that it was time to go inside the park, the entrance was shaped in the form of a giant skull with its mouth open. As each patron went through the white skeletal jaws, they handed a hot blond babe ticket-taker in a pirate costume their ticket. Jack and Junior looked unhappy, especially compared to Ken and Emma. But they managed to force a smile and got through the pirate jaws of plunder.
Junior noticed the hot blond
ticket-taker from behind and pointed her to Jack, he liked what he saw. But, as they inched closer to the babe, Jack
noticed her facial hair, Adam’s apple, and manly frame with the name tag that
said, “Barbie.” He motioned to Junior to
take another look. When Junior handed
the blond babe his ticket, he realized his folly and dreaded facing Jack at
that point, not wanting to say anything.
“Heeeeey, th’ailor boys, ready to ride
in my pirate ship?” asked Barbie in a masculine voice. It was apparent that she liked Junior.
“He is,” said Jack pushing on Junior.
“Shut up, bro,” stammered Junior.
“Go get your cherry popped, bro; it’s
a new age in America these days,”
“Shut up, Jack!”
“If you want to experiment, go for it,
just not with me,” said Jack laughing.
Junior was getting angry and stormed
off away from Jack.
“Awww, c’mon, Junior,” Jack called
after him and wanted to explain it was a joke.
But he hurt Junior’s feelings and decided not to press the issue.
“See you boys around,” said Barbie
watching them walk away.
Standing nearby was a cheerfully cute
Asian mermaid. But when she saw Jack and
Junior, her smile turned to disgust as if she knew them from somewhere. She quickly moved towards a sign that said
“security” on it and followed the direction it pointed towards.
“Dude, why is your brother so
annoying? He’s going to blow our cover,”
said Jack.
“I’ll go talk to Emma,” said Junior.
“Meet me at the snack bar when you’re
done; I need to prevent myself from getting sunstroke,” said Jack.
While Jack found a shady spot by the
snack bar, Junior made his way toward the kiddy pools but was suddenly stopped
by a cute little Asian mermaid. She tripped
on her costume tail and fell right in front of Junior. Junior could not help but catch the cute mermaid
in his arms.
“Oh, my gawwwd, I can’t believe you
caught me!” she said.
“Are you all right?” asked Junior.
“Do you know what they do here when
you catch a mermaid?” she asked, smiling.
“No.
What?”
“You will now be handsomely rewarded.”
“With what, a kiss?” asked Junior
getting excited.
“Well, it’s a secret. And you must carry me all the way there,” she
said.
“Just show me the way,” said an eager Junior, unaware of the trick that was being played. So, he heaved the cute mermaid into his arms and disappeared behind a water mist, pirate music, constructed palm trees, and blue-tube waterslides.
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Jack was getting impatient when he
noticed that too much time had passed without Junior and was annoyed that he
might have been ditched. He found Emma
with Luna and saw Ken busy sliding down the water slides, but still no Junior. “Where the hell did he go?” thought Jack,
searching all over. He thought he would
lose his mind when out of nowhere, a cute little Asian mermaid tripped on her
costume tail right in front of him. He
couldn’t help but catch her in his arms.
“Oh, my gawwwd, I can’t believe you
caught me!” she said.
“Are you okay?” asked Jack.
“I think so. Hey, do you know what they do around here
when you rescue a mermaid?” she asked, smiling.
“No.
What?”
“You will now be handsomely rewarded,”
she said.
“Not right now; I need to find my
buddy,” said Jack.
Looking disappointed, she said,
“Fine. But can you at least carry me to
the nurse’s station?”
Jack sighed, annoyed as if he didn’t
want to help her, but he finally gave in, “Where is it?”
After she pointed to a clearing behind
some water mist and constructed palm trees, Jack picked up the little mermaid
and disappeared from everyone’s site.
