Watermania Waterpark was an absolute summer dream for every mid-western Omaha kid looking to let loose during the summer. With colorful typhoon water towers, blue hurricane hill slides, the ultimate giant wave pool, and clear chlorine-smelling vapors, Tik Tokers flocked to this significant amusement attraction, eager to upload their next best viral video. It was also a significant target for another water park competitor in Des Moines, Iowa, interestingly called “The Pirate’s Plunge.”
Bright yellow tents and transportable tables took up temporary residence in the parking lot of Watermania for the job fair on a bright sunny day. Excited job hunters filled out applications and gave them to the employment coordinators for quick screenings, a few questions, then told to wait for a second round. Tammy, the Human Resources and General Manager of the park, scanned the motley bunch filling out applications, checking out who was in the top physical condition and who could be a secret saboteur trying to infiltrate their hiring process. Like a hardcore truck driver eyeing for any wayward animals caught in the middle of the road, Tammy watched eager job applicants like a hawk from behind her gold-rimmed dark sunglasses and black security ballcap.
"Looking good, Tammy," said Simon, a blast from her past. Tammy cringed at the voice and slowly turned to face the man she split with to start her journey with other women.
"Hello, Simon. Are you scouting for lifeguards? Because I highly doubt your Parks & Recs service can beat my exciting Watermania career ventures." Tammy was still competing with him after all these years, ever since they were lifeguards together working for the city's Parks & Recs neighborhood pool system.
"Well, you sure have come a long way. Anyway, just wanted to take a look, that's all. Nice seeing you," said Simon. But Tammy wasn't buying his story. He was up to something.
Then out of the corner of her eye, Tammy spotted Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior filling out their applications, an unlikely pair of kids that frequented her neighborhood pool some years back. She remembered that Jack slipped on the diving board in an imaginary MMA kick-boxing move only he could have created and almost broke his ankle, falling into the pool, and Tammy dove in to save him. Tammy cracked a smile at the memory; she knew where those boys came from.
Tammy watched Jack and Junior get screened by the employment coordinators, then told to wait for the second round. She grabbed their applications, scanned the contents then met them under the second-round tent.
“You boys lookin to be lifeguards?” she asked.
Jack and Junior looked at each other, then back up at Tammy, saying, “yes.”
“That’s not gonna work for you two with your experience,” she said.
Junior jumped up and pleaded, “Please, ma’am, we need this job. Our landlord…”
Tammy held up her hand and motioned for Junior to stop talking. She said, “Because I have another idea for you boys, which is perfect considering your job qualifications. I see you two more as Grounds Crew, possibly working in other departments. What d’ya say, fellas? Do you like exploring the possibilities?” Tammy was gloating in a scheme only she knew about. But she wanted to get the guys onboard before letting them in on her plan.
“Grounds Crew? Isn’t that, like, picking up trash?” questioned Jack.
“Give us a minute,” Junior said to Tammy, then pulled Jack off to the side to have a quick talk.
“Dude, what are you doing?” questioned Junior.
“Bro, I’m just being careful.”
“Look, we can’t afford to be careful. Let’s get in there, start the job and see where it goes.”
“Well, she did say there was a possibility of working in other departments,” said Jack.
“And who knows where that could lead?”
“Fine, let’s do it,” said Jack, apprehensively succumbing to Junior.
Tammy overheard them and responded, “Good! Now you boys wouldn’t mind sticking around for a little background check, would you? That’s the last step before working at Watermania.”
“We got nothing else to do today,” said Junior.
“Perfect, let’s go meet the Moose,” said Tammy as she confidently walked towards the white security tent, followed by a nervous Jack and Junior.
Standing with his chest beefed up under the security tent and ready to grill every new hire was the head of security, Moose, decked out with pride in the typical mall-type security uniform. He aimed for an official security look to deter anyone who dared try to defraud his waterpark. Although, Moose never had any actual police training or experience.
When Tammy reached the security station, followed by the two boys, Moose held out his hand for the boy’s job applications she was carrying, and then Tammy departed.
“You two have an interesting job history, with only one job listed on your application. You want to tell me about that, considering you both worked there and now both want to work here? Because Jerk-off Jay and Butt-crack Bob perving out on hot bitches in bikinis is not part of the job description.”
“We used to work for my brother’s company,” Junior said.
“And now we want to work for something better than fertilizer,” said Jack.
“Don’t be playing that Dildo Dumb and Dumber mission crap on me, boy; I ain’t in the mood.”
“It was our first job right after high school,” said Jack.
“So now it’s white Harold and Injun Kumar’s Waterworld trip, is it? Have you boys ever done anything by yourselves without the other’s hand holding your dick?”
“I thought we were more like Starsky and Hutch,” Junior said.
“I said don’t be sassing me. However, I like your Kay and Peel at Costco compadre idealism and might need you for a future assignment,” said Moose.
“Does this mean we passed the security background check?” asked Jack.
“Yea, but if you two start acting up like a Cheech and Chong make a porno-pirate movie, then you will need to submit a urine sample, and then you will be fired if you pop positive on a drug test. Comprende? And there’s one more thing, company policy: you are not allowed to take any videos or snapshots and post them on social media of any kind while working for the park,” said Moose, handing each boy a clipboard with the company policies, “Read these over then sign the forms. You two got new-hire orientation tomorrow morning.”
Jack and Junior were excited at their good fortune of scoring new jobs at the same place they both applied. Like two little honeybees buzzing on the drive, they were headed back to their main hive.
“Starsky and Hutch?” asked Jack.
“Yea, why not?” asked Junior back.
“What about the Dukes of Hazzard?”
“You just gave me a great idea. Hold on!” said Junior as he turned off the highway and onto a dirt road.
“Dude, I don’t think your Yugo is made for off-roading!” said Jack hanging onto the oh-shit bar for dear life.
“She can take it,” said Junior with a devilish grin, driving through trees, bushes, and mud puddles.
Jack started praying, “Oh, please, Jesus, I don’t want to die a virgin. I’ve been a good boy….”
“WHAT? You’re still a virgin?” Junior couldn’t believe what he was hearing and lost control, getting stuck in a muddy creek, “Dammit!”
“Want me to call your brother?” asked Jack.
“Why didn’t you tell me you’re still a virgin? I thought you lost it at the big high school graduation party?” asked Junior.
“I lied,” sulked Jack.
“No worries, bro, we can get you a girl from the waterpark.”
“That would be nice.”
Out in the distance was a flock of sheep herded right towards Jack and Junior sitting in the car. The boys watched as the flock surrounded the vehicle; a few lifted their legs and peed on it. The flock’s shepherd was shocked and shooed his herd away from the car. He then asked the boys, “Are you all right? Need a hand?” All three pushed and rocked the car, freeing it from the mud. Jack and Junior finally returned home without taking any more dirt road detours.