A significant amount of social media buzz was circulating around the two tame towns and three dueling lifeguard teams. Both customers and employees were duking it out over Twitter, Instagram, and Tik Tok, creating kooky campaign slogans and pretty body-painted waterpark bikinis. Everyone was paying attention except for Jack. Thanks to Camilla, he almost forgot all about his Tik Tok addiction, realizing that there were more important things than filtered make-up jobs in a thirty-second dance routine. So, it would be no surprise that Pirate’s Plunge was bulging with patrons for the 4th of July relay contest and celebration.
Blackbeard Billy was beaming with pride because he knew he had already won the contest. However, Tammy was not, although she had Billy’s ex-girlfriend on her side. So, in a way, she felt like she won too. Both sat in a special booth overlooking the relay race at Pirate’s Plunge with Simon smiling.
“May the best man win,” smiled Simon to Tammy.
Tammy looked at her girlfriend and replied, “I already have.”
Overlooking the starting line with all teams in position, Billy announced with a bullhorn, “On your marks… get ready…”
The race was on! Thousands of cell phones recorded every inch of the race in motion, with every team member pushing even harder than the one before them through water chutes and lazy rivers. Watermania was in the lead at first, then Parks & Recs, and then Pirate’s Plunge. Nobody could really tell who was going to win; the overcrowded park filled with cheering fans almost bulged out of control. But Junior was high up on a lifeguard tower and could see the entire park from his view. He caught a glimpse of Ariel in her pretty little mermaid costume twinkling in the sun. Then he noticed her twin sister following close behind her.
Thinking no one was watching them, Ariel and her sister climbed underneath a water chute and hid below it. They were getting ready to punk the next lifeguard in the Parks & Recs team so he tripped a fell to his knees, giving Pirate’s Plunge the advantage and leading the race. Junior couldn’t believe his eyes! He had to act quickly or his buddy would get caught up in their cheating madness. So down the tower, he went, zig-zagging in between big-busted bikinis and old man speedos. Unfortunately, his Spiderman-like approach was not well-liked, and with one hefty push, Junior was sent flying to the ground.
If Junior did not get to Ariel and her sister in time, then the Watermania team would come in dead last with Jack struggling to the finish line. With badly scraped and bloodied knees, Junior pushed forward. He screamed, “ARIEL!”
Ariel looked all around her, not sure if someone called out her name or if it was a screaming kid. But then Junior crashed into her lap, breathing heavily and not able to speak. She looked at the blood trickling down his legs which made her melt. Ariel and her sister’s attention darted from the race as each cradled a part of Junior.
“Please, Ariel, let the race go,” said Junior.
Ariel’s eyes swelled up with tears, with her twin following her emotional cries.
“We are so fired,” said Ariel.
Chad was about to win the last leg of the relay race with Jack following close behind him. But as soon as Jack reached Chad, a tall-legged tanned lifeguard from the Parks & Recs team came leaping into view. He was a dreamy heartthrob that made all the women cheer. This guy was proud of being a lifeguard and his spirit showed it. Chad almost stumbled when the lifeguard passed him, giving Junior a chance to pass Chad too. All three were gunning for the finish line, and the spectators were going nuts. This was it! Whoever won the race would achieve ultimate bragging rights for being the best lifeguard crew this summer.
Tammy and Billy were standing on the edge of their watch station. But Simon was smiling smugly behind them. He knew he had the best lifeguards.
“Where did you get that handsome devil?” asked Tammy.
“He’s an Olympic Champion,” replied Simon.
“You cheated!” said Billy.
“And he works as a Lifeguard for Parks & Recs,” said Simon.
“That’s not cheating,” said Tammy disappointed, sitting down from the harsh blow.
“That’s exactly right,” said Simon watching his Lifeguard win the race.
Tammy prepared herself so the blow of losing was not that bad, congratulating Simon in a good sportsman-like way.
“Congrats, Simon, you earned it,” said Tammy.
“Couldn’t cheat your way out of this one, could you, Tammy?” laughed Billy.
“You got it all wrong, Billy, I didn’t cheat.”
“Well, I got a video from last year’s race that would suggest otherwise.”
“Then I think I deserve to see it.”
“It’s coming right up,” said Billy waving to one of his security guards.
Tammy watched the secret video of her paying money to the pirate member who had a bandaged ankle and commented, “You have got to be kidding me.”
“A-Ha! Caught you red-handed.”
“No, you caught me paying the guy to help with his medical expenses since you don’t have medical insurance. Besides, the guy got hurt at my park last year, so of course, I wanted to help him out.”
“Is that what was going on?”
“This is about your ex, and you know it.”
“You stole her!” said Billy getting upset.
Tammy leaned in really close so no one could hear her, “She knew about the strip club, Billy. She caught you cheating.”
“Wh… why didn’t she say anything? I could have quite…”
“And you were… um… impotent.”
“THERE’S GODDAM VIAGARA!” yelled Billy, suddenly realizing that he was drawing unwanted attention from the people around them.
“Billy, Simon won the contest not me, so let’s celebrate. I hear you got a good fireworks show,” said Tammy smiling.
Billy sat down in his seat, dumbfounded by what Tammy had just told him, “Yeah, sure.”
Sitting in his team’s tent in total apathy, Jack felt sorry for himself after losing the race, “Why did I even bother?”
“You’re not serious, are you?” asked Camilla.
“You don’t want to be with a total loser, Camilla,” said Jack.
“Let me show you something.” Camilla got her cell phone and played a Tik Tok video highlighting his before and after training body. The caption read, “From zero to a hero body, new lifeguard training at Watermania.” They saw it had over thirty thousand views, with “like” hearts blazing.
“According to Tik Tok, you’re not a loser.”
Jack never saw himself looking like that before, and he immediately brightened up. Camilla gave him a big hug and said, “Let’s celebrate.”
When the fireworks started popping up in the night sky, the crowd was filled with ooo’s and aww’s. Jack had his arms around Camilla and noticed Junior walking towards them with bloody knees, a shit-eating grin on his face, and two twin Asian mermaids on each arm.
“Dude, what happened to you?” asked Jack.
“The Asian Invasion, that’s what,” replied Junior. Finally, he was not a virgin anymore.
In the days that followed, Watermania’s ticket sales soared, and Lifeguard applications were piling in for the following year. Camilla showed Tammy the Tik Tok videos of Jack and the contest and how the PR actually helped their profit margin. Tammy was inspired and decided to hatch a new advertising plan involving more of Jack on Tik Tok, with the help of his best bud, Junior.
But when summer ended and the park was shut down for the season, Moose helped Jack and Junior get jobs working as mall security. Ken was even more proud of his little brother, finally doing something with his life and having some pride in his mall security uniform. So, Ken got the boys in their security uniforms for a family photo opp. Unfortunately, nobody noticed Larry photobombing them, jerking off in the background. Thank gawd his penis still worked.
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