May 26, 2023

The Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior - Chapter 5


            Every fourth of July for the past ten years, Watermania and Pirate’s Plunge have a friendly contest for public relations and marketing bragging rights; it's a lifeguard team relay race.  Watermania hosted last year’s event, so it was Pirate’s Plunge's turn to host this summer’s event.  Tammy said Pirate’s Plunge was cheating, and she vowed to expose Blackbeard Billy and his dirty band for their corruption.  Blackbeard Billy was the mascot and general manager.  Tammy hadn’t been able to surface any evidence proving Blackbeard Billy was cheating.  But to make matters worse, a colossal Pirate’s Plunge billboard sign was erected just on the outskirts of Omaha that featured Blackbeard Billy’s laughing face. 

“Tammy’s worried it could hurt Watermania’s profit margin,”  Jack told Junior while each one was lying in their own bed in their shared bedroom.         

“No shit?” asked Junior.

“That’s what Camilla said.”

“Shit is deep.”


“Guys, I have something to show you,” said Emma from outside the door.

“What is it?” asked Junior.

Emma walked into the bedroom and showed them a comedic music video clip on Tik Tok of Jack with a massive wedgie.  It was apparent that Jack did not know someone was recording him.

“Holy Shit!” said Jack, taking Emma’s phone and inspecting the video as it looped repeatedly.

“It’s already got 12,000 views!” said Junior.

“You guys need to report this,” said Emma.

“Fuck, my life is ruined.  How am I going to get laid now?”

“Seriously?” asked Emma

“Wait, what? I’m in it too?” Junior recognized his backside in another tricky Tik Tok music clip.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say someone has it out for you two,” said Emma.

“Fuck Watermania,” said Jack.

“Dude, we need to tell Tammy about this,” said Junior.

“She ain’t gonna do shit!”

“What if it’s those Pirates?”

“Who the hell is following us around and recording our backside whenever we have a wedgie?” asked Jack.

“Don’t you guys have security or something at the park?” asked Emma.

“The Moose!” said Junior.

“Fuck, I don’t want to deal with that guy,” said Jack wallowing in his self-pity.

“Well, okay, you boys can take it from here,” said Emma making her departure.

“C’mon, bro, it ain’t right what they’re doing to us,” explained Junior.

“Fine,” said a muffled Jack hiding his head under a pillow, “My future as a forty-year-old virgin is becoming more obvious now.”

“Dude, we are going to figure this out, don’t you worry,” said Junior taking charge, ready to step up to the plate.  He knew his best friend needed him. 

When Jack and Junior showed Tammy the Tik Tok videos the next day, she nodded as if she already saw them, “Sorry about that, guys.  It looks like you two have been caught in somebody’s twisted and sadistic scheme.”

“So, what are you going to do about it?” asked Junior

“Nothing,” replied Tammy.

“Nothing?  Oh my god, my life is ruined,” said Jack.

“We got no proof who is responsible.  Just a handful of made-up Tik Tokers.  They could all belong to the same guy.  We don’t know who it is just yet,” said Tammy.

“What if it’s Blackbeard Billy and his Pirates?” asked Junior.

“Billy?  Might.”

“What can you tell us about Billy, Tammy?” asked Jack.

“Well, I don’t know.  How loyal are you?  Can I trust you?”

Jack and Junior were getting excited as if Tammy was about to tell them something juicy.    

“Why don’t you boys take the day off tomorrow and pay Pirate’s Plunge a little visit?  See if you can find out anything.  Will you boys do that for me?  And it will be my treat,” said Tammy smiling.

“You mean spy on Pirate’s Plunge?” asked Jack.

“We can do that,” said Junior.

“And, you can take as many video clips as you want of their park; you don’t work for them,” said Tammy. 

“Doesn’t sound that hard,” said Jack. 

“Have fun, boys,” said Tammy leaving them to get back to work.

“YES!  This is, like, 007 shit!” Junior was even more excited about going on a secret mission.     

“Or 21-Jump Street,” said Jack.

“We got to have, like, some kind of plan.”

“Plan?  Why don’t we just go have some fun?” asked Jack.

“We need a cover.”

“Let’s take Emma and the baby.”

“Good thinking.  They would never suspect a family is infiltrating Pirate’s Plunge.”

“Sure,” said Jack apprehensively.  He was a little more reserved than Junior about their secret trip and wasn’t sure what to expect.  He knew he had to be on his guard if they visited the enemy’s territory. 

 Back at home, Emma, Ken, and Luna were about to eat dinner when Jack and Junior walked through the front door.  Ken was still fuming over the mess they had created at the factory but didn’t want to make a scene in front of Emma and Luna.

“I hear you boys got jobs at the waterpark.  How’s that going?” asked Ken.  When the boys sat at the table, Jack got an eye smack of baby food, followed by Luna chuckling. 

“Luna, stop that,” said Emma.

“It’s going good, Ken,” said Junior. 

“Well, I hate to admit it, but I’m kinda proud of you, Junior; you found a job all by yourself, considering Jujutsu Jerk-off here,” said Ken.  A spoonful of baby food hit Junior on his cheek.

“Dude, why do you have to be hard on us?” asked Junior.

“It seems you don’t get it, so let me explain it to you, little brother: While our parents are banging it out in Vegas as empty nesters, my job here has become to push you down so hard and so low, and make you feel like slimy explosive dogshit coming out of the crack of a whore’s ass, that one day you might just wake up to do something with your pathetic piss-ant so-called life, that you are going to give that prostitute called Passion the blow-job she deserves, to get the fuck out and show me a thing or two, that you can and will be somebody other than a trailer-park resident.  Otherwise, I would be a shitty brother just letting you be complacent and letting you turn into some homeless drug addict giving Jujutsu Joker here a blow job for money.”

“I think I get it,” said Junior.

“Well, it’s about dam time,” said Ken, stuffing food in his face.

“Ask her, dude,” said Jack to Junior under his breath.

“Ask what?” asked Ken.

“We were wondering if Emma and Luna would like to go to Pirate’s Plunge with us tomorrow?” asked Junior, wiping food off his face.

“Pirate’s Plunge?  Isn’t that in Des Moines?” asked Emma.

“A little corporate spy game?  I get it.  Why don’t we all go tomorrow?  I could use a little family bonding,” said Ken.

“I love it when you get all, family gorilla man,” said Emma jumping in Ken’s lap.

“I knew you would,” said Ken to Emma, preparing for a lap dance. 

Junior and Jack were getting uncomfortable with the scene unfolding and got up to leave the table.

“Dude, we need to hurry and find another place to live,” said Jack.

“No shit,” said Junior.

“HEY!  Can one of you boys put some music on?” yelled Ken as they walked away.  Luna kept throwing food at the boys and giggled in the process. 


Pirate’s Plunge Waterpark was designed to look like the ultimate pirate party palace with twisty and curvy black water slides, heavily decorated with numerous pirate-themed plaster statues, skull and crossbones motifs, and fake treasures galore enticing every customer about to walk through its entrance.  Ken led the way from the parking lot holding Luna in his arms, followed by Emma in her string bikini.  Jack and Junior lingered behind them as if they were embarrassed to be seen, but Jack quickly remembered to get his cell phone and recorded video shots of the front entrance while Junior pointing out the surveillance cameras. 

“Dude, do a trick or something,” said Jack.

“What?” asked Junior.

“Smoke screen, dude, can’t make it look so obvious.”

Junior was just about to do a cartwheel when Ken jumped in and put him in a headlock for the video shot Jack was taking, “Did you get that, Jack?  You should put that on Tik Tok,” laughed Ken.

Emma waved to all of them from the ticket counter and signaled that it was time to go inside the park, the entrance was shaped in the form of a giant skull with its mouth open.  As each patron went through the white skeletal jaws, they handed a hot blond babe ticket-taker in a pirate costume their ticket.  Jack and Junior looked unhappy, especially compared to Ken and Emma.  But they managed to force a smile and got through the pirate jaws of plunder.  

Junior noticed the hot blond ticket-taker from behind and pointed her to Jack, he liked what he saw.  But, as they inched closer to the babe, Jack noticed her facial hair, Adam’s apple, and manly frame with the name tag that said, “Barbie.”  He motioned to Junior to take another look.  When Junior handed the blond babe his ticket, he realized his folly and dreaded facing Jack at that point, not wanting to say anything. 

“Heeeeey, th’ailor boys, ready to ride in my pirate ship?” asked Barbie in a masculine voice.  It was apparent that she liked Junior.

“He is,” said Jack pushing on Junior.

“Shut up, bro,” stammered Junior.

“Go get your cherry popped, bro; it’s a new age in America these days,”

“Shut up, Jack!”

“If you want to experiment, go for it, just not with me,” said Jack laughing.

Junior was getting angry and stormed off away from Jack.

“Awww, c’mon, Junior,” Jack called after him and wanted to explain it was a joke.  But he hurt Junior’s feelings and decided not to press the issue. 

“See you boys around,” said Barbie watching them walk away. 

Standing nearby was a cheerfully cute Asian mermaid.  But when she saw Jack and Junior, her smile turned to disgust as if she knew them from somewhere.  She quickly moved towards a sign that said “security” on it and followed the direction it pointed towards. 

 Ken was like a kid in a candy store, rushing through lines for the water slides, barreling down on air tubes, and causing a commotion whenever the line moved a little too slow.  It was embarrassing for Junior and Jack to want to be around him.  So, they would ditch him in line and move to another water slide on the other side of the park while taking video snippets of the park and its pirate employees under the guise of a Tik Tok dance-off.  However, ditching Ken didn’t last for long because Jack and Junior would always cross paths with Ken again, down at the other end of some water slide with Ken photo-bombing their Tik Tok scene.  

“Dude, why is your brother so annoying?  He’s going to blow our cover,” said Jack.

“I’ll go talk to Emma,” said Junior.

“Meet me at the snack bar when you’re done; I need to prevent myself from getting sunstroke,” said Jack.

While Jack found a shady spot by the snack bar, Junior made his way toward the kiddy pools but was suddenly stopped by a cute little Asian mermaid.  She tripped on her costume tail and fell right in front of Junior.  Junior could not help but catch the cute mermaid in his arms. 

“Oh, my gawwwd, I can’t believe you caught me!” she said.

“Are you all right?” asked Junior.

“Do you know what they do here when you catch a mermaid?” she asked, smiling.

“No.  What?”

“You will now be handsomely rewarded.”

“With what, a kiss?” asked Junior getting excited.

“Well, it’s a secret.  And you must carry me all the way there,” she said.

“Just show me the way,” said an eager Junior, unaware of the trick that was being played.  So, he heaved the cute mermaid into his arms and disappeared behind a water mist, pirate music, constructed palm trees, and blue-tube waterslides.    

Jack was getting impatient when he noticed that too much time had passed without Junior and was annoyed that he might have been ditched.  He found Emma with Luna and saw Ken busy sliding down the water slides, but still no Junior.  “Where the hell did he go?” thought Jack, searching all over.  He thought he would lose his mind when out of nowhere, a cute little Asian mermaid tripped on her costume tail right in front of him.  He couldn’t help but catch her in his arms. 

“Oh, my gawwwd, I can’t believe you caught me!” she said.

“Are you okay?” asked Jack.

“I think so.  Hey, do you know what they do around here when you rescue a mermaid?” she asked, smiling.

“No.  What?”

“You will now be handsomely rewarded,” she said.

“Not right now; I need to find my buddy,” said Jack. 

Looking disappointed, she said, “Fine.  But can you at least carry me to the nurse’s station?”

Jack sighed, annoyed as if he didn’t want to help her, but he finally gave in, “Where is it?”

After she pointed to a clearing behind some water mist and constructed palm trees, Jack picked up the little mermaid and disappeared from everyone’s site.     

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May 19, 2023

The Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior - Chapter 4

                   A cute Hispanic girl named Camilla stood before a colorful Watermania Waterpark map attached to a mobile bulletin board.  She gave a park history presentation in front of several new hires, with Jack and Junior in the audience.  Jack was entranced by Camilla and started to daydream a set of Tik Tok videos featuring his rap-star MMA moves and Camilla in tight booty shorts kissing and licking all over him.    

                “Dude, you’re slobbering,” whispered Junior interrupting Jack’s daydream. 

                “No, I’m not,” replied Jack wiping the slobber from his chin.

                “Oooooo, you like Camilla.”

                “Keep it down, bro; she’s talking.”    

                After the history presentation, Camilla gave a tour of the park.  She showed where the employee break area was, where to clock in and out from, where the central lifeguard station was, and the entrance to the main security office.    

                “In case you haven’t noticed, this park has numerous security cameras in which we are under surveillance and monitored from this location.  Only security personnel can enter this area where you need a special access code.  But since none of you are in security, you don’t need to worry about it.  Let’s move on,” said Camilla continuing the tour. 

                “That must be Moose’s lair,” whispered Junior to Jack.

                “Why is he called Moose?” whispered Jack back.

                “Because I can hear and see everything inside the park.  Now move it!” Moose blared from a tiny speaker in front of the security door.

                “That still doesn’t make sense,” said Jack to himself.


                 Junior and Jack were chugging full steam ahead at their new job, fitted with their Grounds Crew uniform, a pick-up poker stick for trash, and a plastic trash bag.  The two boys attempted the most apparent “tough dude” attitude, complete with black ball caps and black sunglasses, which was only a front for whenever a hot hick or cute girl was within their vicinity.  It was tough not to drool or slobber all over themselves, and Tammy felt a little sorry for them too.  But she knew that after a week of exposing the virgins to sun tan oil and barely boobies, they would get used to the exposed wet, wild hair, shiny sun-kissed skin, and Chad “The Beefcake Fab” head asshole lifeguard with his over-the-top neon eighties sunglasses.           

                “Dude, I’m dying without my phone.  I could be making mad clips for Tik Tok right now,” said Jack to Junior.

                “Can’t, dude, company policy.”

                “Fuck, I know,” said Jack, frustrated as he watched almost every other park party-goer take several selfies and video shots all around the park. 

                “You know this isn’t the only water park, right?” asked Junior.

                “Yea, but Pirate’s Plunge is like, far, dude,” said Jack

                “Just saying there’s another option.”

                “S’up, fellas?” interrupted Tammy.

                “Uh, hey, Tammy,” stammered Junior.

                “I hear you guys talking about Pirate’s Plunge in Des Moines.  Not a good idea, that’s our competition.  Those fucktards have been cheating the 4th of July relay races.  If I find any of our employees giving that wet rubber ranch a single penny, I’m firing them on the spot.  I trust you boys will stay loyal,” she said, then walked away. 

                “Relay races, I wonder what that’s all about?” asked Jack.

                “Camilla might know.  Why don’t you ask her?  Now’s your chance to ask her out.”


                “C’mon, bro, get your cherry popped, show her you got a huge dick.  Chicks love to be treated like shit.  That's how I got my cherry popped,” smiled Junior.

                “What’s going on, guys?” interrupted Camilla.

                “Sup, Camilla,” said Junior eying her up and down.  

                “Shouldn’t you boys be making your rounds?” asked Camilla.

                “Oh shit, your right!  But Jack here needs to ask you something,” said Junior.

                “What?” Jack was scared and got pissed at Junior for calling him out like that.

                “I’m out; gotta get the trash, bro,” said Junior leaving Jack behind with Camilla, stroking the handle of his trash stick like a hand job.  Lucky for Jack, Camilla did not see what Junior was doing. 

                “Yes, Jack?  What do you need to ask me?” asked Camilla.

                “Um, Tammy said something about a 4th of July relay race?

                “Already?  Okay.  Well, um, now’s not the time.  Come find me after work, and I’ll tell you.”

                “Okay, like, you want to go have some pizza or something?” he asked nervously.

                “Not really, I don't date co-workers.”

                “Oh, nothing like that, just friends, y’know, talk about the race?"

                “Howabout I get all of you new coworkers together so I can tell you all about the relay race?"

                “Cool, cool,” said Jack, lingering.

                “So, are you going to get back to work now?”

                “Holy shit, that guy just littered.  I need to go pick that up!”  Jack got the hint and raced away from Camilla, making her smile.  She was intrigued by this boy that was originally from Florida since she was not used to seeing someone like him in these parts of Omaha.  

Moose was sitting in a bat-man-styled security cave, complete with several surveillance tv monitors, keyboards, and speakers, watching and listening to Jack and Junior.  He was intent on discovering some hidden secret the boys might have.  But he didn’t know for sure on account that he spent all his time inside his man cave getting educated by every other police show there was on television.

                “See anything?” asked Tammy interrupting his paranoia.  She looked at one of the monitors displaying a Tik Tok video.

                “Take a look at this,” said Moose, quickly pushing a couple of buttons to reveal a Watermania customer caught with a hellacious bathing suit wedgie on Tik Tok.

                Tammy read the title, “’Are you sure you want to get caught at this park with a #waterparkwedgie?’  Are you kidding?  Do we know who posted this?”

                “It’s someone inside the park, that’s for sure,” said Moose.


                “Pirates, Trick-Tokers, disgruntled customers, can’t say for sure at this point.”

                “This is bad PR for the park,” said Tammy.

                “Are you sure about those two?” asked Moose, spotting Jack and Junior on one of the monitors.

                “Give them some time; they’ll come in handy soon enough.  How’s my girl?” asked Tammy watching a bodacious hot blond lifeguard wearing a red lifeguard bathing suit.

                “Hot as ever.  Man, you got a good one.”    

                “Women know what women want, Moose.”

                “Can you record you two some night, y’know, for educational purposes?” asked Moose.

                “Still haven’t learned anything from your online porn yet, have you?”

                “Sad, isn’t it?  I’m watching every other dick get action except my own.”

                “Company can pay for your, uh, addiction problem there….”

                “NO, nope, no addiction, got it under control.  Besides, watching the park is more important.”

                “Whatever you say there, bud,” said Tammy giving Moose a pat on the back. 

                When Moose heard Tammy leave his security man cave, he hung his head low and started crying.  He did not want to admit that he had an online porn addiction, especially to Tammy, his HR Manager.  He felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, and his ego prevented him from admitting he was weak.  So, to get unstuck, he opened a drawer, found a porn magazine, and went into his Batman bathroom to jerk himself off.       

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May 12, 2023

The Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior - Chapter 3

                Watermania Waterpark was an absolute summer dream for every mid-western Omaha kid looking to let loose during the summer.  With colorful typhoon water towers, blue hurricane hill slides, the ultimate giant wave pool, and clear chlorine-smelling vapors, Tik Tokers flocked to this significant amusement attraction, eager to upload their next best viral video.  It was also a significant target for another water park competitor in Des Moines, Iowa, interestingly called “The Pirate’s Plunge.”

                Bright yellow tents and transportable tables took up temporary residence in the parking lot of Watermania for the job fair on a bright sunny day.  Excited job hunters filled out applications and gave them to the employment coordinators for quick screenings, a few questions, then told to wait for a second round.  Tammy, the Human Resources and General Manager of the park, scanned the motley bunch filling out applications, checking out who was in the top physical condition and who could be a secret saboteur trying to infiltrate their hiring process.  Like a hardcore truck driver eyeing for any wayward animals caught in the middle of the road, Tammy watched eager job applicants like a hawk from behind her gold-rimmed dark sunglasses and black security ballcap.  

                "Looking good, Tammy," said Simon, a blast from her past.  Tammy cringed at the voice and slowly turned to face the man she split with to start her journey with other women.  

                "Hello, Simon.  Are you scouting for lifeguards?  Because I highly doubt your Parks & Recs service can beat my exciting Watermania career ventures."  Tammy was still competing with him after all these years, ever since they were lifeguards together working for the city's Parks & Recs neighborhood pool system.    

                "Well, you sure have come a long way.  Anyway, just wanted to take a look, that's all.  Nice seeing you," said Simon.  But Tammy wasn't buying his story.  He was up to something.  

                Then out of the corner of her eye, Tammy spotted Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior filling out their applications, an unlikely pair of kids that frequented her neighborhood pool some years back.  She remembered that Jack slipped on the diving board in an imaginary MMA kick-boxing move only he could have created and almost broke his ankle, falling into the pool, and Tammy dove in to save him.  Tammy cracked a smile at the memory; she knew where those boys came from. 

                Tammy watched Jack and Junior get screened by the employment coordinators, then told to wait for the second round.  She grabbed their applications, scanned the contents then met them under the second-round tent.

                “You boys lookin to be lifeguards?” she asked.

                Jack and Junior looked at each other, then back up at Tammy, saying, “yes.”     

                “That’s not gonna work for you two with your experience,” she said.

                Junior jumped up and pleaded, “Please, ma’am, we need this job.  Our landlord…”

                Tammy held up her hand and motioned for Junior to stop talking.  She said, “Because I have another idea for you boys, which is perfect considering your job qualifications.  I see you two more as Grounds Crew, possibly working in other departments.  What d’ya say, fellas?  Do you like exploring the possibilities?”  Tammy was gloating in a scheme only she knew about.  But she wanted to get the guys onboard before letting them in on her plan. 

                “Grounds Crew?  Isn’t that, like, picking up trash?” questioned Jack.

                “Give us a minute,” Junior said to Tammy, then pulled Jack off to the side to have a quick talk.

                “Dude, what are you doing?” questioned Junior.

                “Bro, I’m just being careful.”

                “Look, we can’t afford to be careful.  Let’s get in there, start the job and see where it goes.”

                “Well, she did say there was a possibility of working in other departments,” said Jack. 

                “And who knows where that could lead?”

                “Fine, let’s do it,” said Jack, apprehensively succumbing to Junior. 

                Tammy overheard them and responded, “Good!  Now you boys wouldn’t mind sticking around for a little background check, would you?  That’s the last step before working at Watermania.”

                “We got nothing else to do today,” said Junior.

                “Perfect, let’s go meet the Moose,” said Tammy as she confidently walked towards the white security tent, followed by a nervous Jack and Junior.

                Standing with his chest beefed up under the security tent and ready to grill every new hire was the head of security, Moose, decked out with pride in the typical mall-type security uniform.  He aimed for an official security look to deter anyone who dared try to defraud his waterpark.  Although, Moose never had any actual police training or experience.           

                When Tammy reached the security station, followed by the two boys, Moose held out his hand for the boy’s job applications she was carrying, and then Tammy departed. 

                “You two have an interesting job history, with only one job listed on your application.  You want to tell me about that, considering you both worked there and now both want to work here?  Because Jerk-off Jay and Butt-crack Bob perving out on hot bitches in bikinis is not part of the job description.” 

                “We used to work for my brother’s company,” Junior said. 

                “And now we want to work for something better than fertilizer,” said Jack.

                “Don’t be playing that Dildo Dumb and Dumber mission crap on me, boy; I ain’t in the mood.”

                “It was our first job right after high school,” said Jack.

                “So now it’s white Harold and Injun Kumar’s Waterworld trip, is it?  Have you boys ever done anything by yourselves without the other’s hand holding your dick?”

                “I thought we were more like Starsky and Hutch,” Junior said.

                “I said don’t be sassing me.  However, I like your Kay and Peel at Costco compadre idealism and might need you for a future assignment,” said Moose.

                “Does this mean we passed the security background check?” asked Jack.

                “Yea, but if you two start acting up like a Cheech and Chong make a porno-pirate movie, then you will need to submit a urine sample, and then you will be fired if you pop positive on a drug test.  Comprende?  And there’s one more thing, company policy: you are not allowed to take any videos or snapshots and post them on social media of any kind while working for the park,” said Moose, handing each boy a clipboard with the company policies, “Read these over then sign the forms.  You two got new-hire orientation tomorrow morning.”

                 Jack and Junior were excited at their good fortune of scoring new jobs at the same place they both applied.  Like two little honeybees buzzing on the drive, they were headed back to their main hive.   

                “Starsky and Hutch?” asked Jack.

                “Yea, why not?” asked Junior back.

                “What about the Dukes of Hazzard?”

                “You just gave me a great idea.  Hold on!” said Junior as he turned off the highway and onto a dirt road.

                “Dude, I don’t think your Yugo is made for off-roading!” said Jack hanging onto the oh-shit bar for dear life. 

                “She can take it,” said Junior with a devilish grin, driving through trees, bushes, and mud puddles. 

                Jack started praying, “Oh, please, Jesus, I don’t want to die a virgin.  I’ve been a good boy….”

                “WHAT?  You’re still a virgin?” Junior couldn’t believe what he was hearing and lost control, getting stuck in a muddy creek, “Dammit!”

                “Want me to call your brother?” asked Jack.

                “Why didn’t you tell me you’re still a virgin?  I thought you lost it at the big high school graduation party?” asked Junior.

                “I lied,” sulked Jack.

                “No worries, bro, we can get you a girl from the waterpark.” 

                “That would be nice.”

                Out in the distance was a flock of sheep herded right towards Jack and Junior sitting in the car.  The boys watched as the flock surrounded the vehicle; a few lifted their legs and peed on it.  The flock’s shepherd was shocked and shooed his herd away from the car.  He then asked the boys, “Are you all right?  Need a hand?”  All three pushed and rocked the car, freeing it from the mud.  Jack and Junior finally returned home without taking any more dirt road detours. 

Click here to read the next chapter --->

May 5, 2023

The Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior - Chapter 2


On the road and headed back home, Junior was driving a beat-up nineties blue Yugo while Jack sat in the passenger seat, both in apathy over losing their jobs.  They didn’t notice going by bright neon flag banners surrounding the local waterpark announcing the summer season’s grand opening and a huge white banner that had “JOB FAIR” in bold red letters. 

                “Man, I can’t believe we got shit-canned from the shit factory,” said Jack.

                “Sorry, dude,” said Junior.

                “I’m not.  We’ve been turd trainees for two years, and I want a new job.”

                “Where, in the oblivious and overlooked Omaha, Nebraska?  There’s nothing here, just Raison Bran, TV dinners, and the Missouri River.”

                Jack noticed a highway sign highlighting the Henry Doorly Zoo in the distance, “Let’s get jobs at the zoo!”

                “You want to shovel more shit, Jack?  Because that’s all they do,” said Junior.

                “No shit?” asked Jack.

                “That’s more shit, all kinds of animal shit,” said Junior.

                “My parents did not move us from Florida just so I could shovel shit in Omaha,” replied Jack as he watched the latest Tik Tok trending videos on his cell phone.

                “I mean, look at these guys. They’re making bank just for being on social media.  This chick got a million followers.  Check this out: it’s only a minute, and they got 900K views.  That’s it!  This is what we should be doing!”

                Junior looked at Jack’s cell phone and got distracted by a hot bikini babe dancing to a popular rap song, he didn’t see that he had swerved in the opposite lane until he heard a loud semi-truck blaring its horn.  Junior had to shift to get back in his lane but didn’t see another car speeding behind him.  He quickly swerved off the highway into a field, taking out the barb-wired fence, and slammed on his brakes right before hitting a flock of fluffy white sheep.  The alpha sheep puffed up his chest, walked up to the Yugo, lifted his leg, and peed on the front bumper. 


Nestled on the edge of Omaha was a little rustic trailer park trashed by rusting heaps of various clutter and a broken-down playground typical of neighborhoods gone to the dogs.  In this very trailer park, Junior and Jack lived with Ken and his stay-at-home midwestern blond belle of a wife named Emma.  She could knock out any drunk and belligerent strip club patron who dared get close to one of her locally famous pole dances as tiny as she was.  Ken was lucky enough to dodge every kick successfully.  Then he engaged Emma in a drinking contest that allowed her to tie him down during a drunken bet.  Neither Ken nor Emma remembers exactly how she got pregnant a few years ago.  But as soon as the test results were positive, Ken promised to care for Emma.  So, Emma retired her tiny string bikinis and eight-inch stilettos to be a marginalized stay-at-home trailer park momma addicted to her newfound social media life as a self-proclaimed producer and director, creating “The Luna Show” for Tik Tok.  Her two-year-old little girl, Luna, was the show’s star, turning the living room into a one-room studio set.                    

                Emma was right in the middle of recording a show when she heard Junior’s Yugo pulling into the driveway.  She raced outside to meet them, “Sorry boys, the studio light is on, so you boys can’t come inside.  Besides, aren’t you boys home a little early?”

                “We got fired,” said Junior.

                “Hold on for a minute….” Emma disappeared and then came back out with three cans of beer.  She ushered the two to sit on the front steps and handed each boy a can. 

                “You need to ask Ken for your jobs back,” said Emma.

                “Not his time,” said Junior.

                “We sorta blew up a truck,” said Jack.

                “Well, shit.  What did you do that for?

                “It was an accident,” said Jack. 

                “It’s not like stripping in some club where you can just go and work the men like an ATM machine whenever you want,” said Junior.

                “Now wait a minute, we let you boys move in here so you could be more independent and responsible and not have to live at your parent’s house down yonder on the other side of this here park, remember?  Ken can only carry you kids for so long.  You need to start adulting,” said Emma.

                “It sucks getting fired,” said Jack.

                “Ken said you know some people here in town, Emma.  Can’t you hook us up?” asked Junior.

                “Eh, you boys don’t want to go down that dirty underground route.  When Ken got me pregnant, it was like God giving me a hand job, finger-banging it into my beaver that I needed to be more responsible with a baby and stop being so careless with my life.  Seriously, do you boys know how easy it is to search for a job nowadays?  Just go online and look for one.  I just saw something on Tik Tok about Watermania.”

                Unbeknownst to Emma, Luna pooped in her pull-on diapers and started whimpering for her momma.  She did not like wearing wet and poopy bottoms.  So, she took her bottoms off and threw them at the window, hoping to get her mom’s attention.    


                Emma looked at the poop-splattered window and realized she had a production emergency.  She shotgunned her beer as if dying of thirst and rushed inside to record the next best viral sensation, or so she hoped.     

                “Hot babes in bikinis, c’mon bro,” said Jack.

                “I don’t know,” said Junior.

                “I swear Emma is the champ of shotgunning beers; she always beats Ken.  You ready?”  Jack signaled to Junior to get his beer ready; they gave a toast and then chugged and chugged like there was no tomorrow, followed by a massive belching contest.

                A strange, super loud massive belch shook the boys out of their joy when they saw it come from the park’s property manager, Larry.  He was pleased with his incredible belching power and handed Junior a “rent due” notice. 

                “Or maybe we could work at the post office?” asked Junior. 

                Larry listened briefly to the boy’s conversation, then said, “You want to know what I wanted to be when I was your age?  I wanted to own a little donut franchise right here in Omaha and be my own boss.  Bake billions of donuts and have that great slogan, to be the savior of millions of sugary and hungry hearts everywhere.  Then get married and have a cute little family rubbing my feet when I get home from baking all day.  It turns out you need collateral for a ginormous loan to cover the franchise expenses.  Then I would be breaking my back for sixteen hours a day mixing icing toppings, standing in front of hot stoves shoveling shit in and out and in and out of those hot stoves.  Then come home to a nagging nut who wants to spend all your money shopping online and filling up a shitty trailer with senseless garbage teetering on the edge of hoarding.  The point is, don’t get so careless with your imagination that you forget to see reality.  Anyway, I hear Watermania is having a job fair tomorrow.”        

                “Dude, we gotta check it out,” pleaded Jack.

                “You’re giving us thirty days to move out, Larry?  Come on, you went to high school with my brother,” pleaded Junior feeling defeated after glancing over the notice.

                “Did you skip a few lines there, little Ford Junior?” asked Larry.

                Jack snatched the notice and read it carefully, “It says that if we don’t pay rent in thirty days, then we have to move out.”

                “Well, I guess we all know who the smart one is,” said Larry sarcastically.

                “We’ll get you your money,” said Jack.

                “This better not turn into some ‘New Jack Hustle’ because if you break the law, everyone is out.”

                “What?!” Junior was getting offended.

                “It’s a movie, kid, relax.  But seriously, no robbing banks; we’re too small of a town.”

                “Then I guess we’re going to Watermania,” concluded Jack.   

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