May 12, 2023

The Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior - Chapter 3


                Watermania Waterpark was an absolute summer dream for every mid-western Omaha kid looking to let loose during the summer.  With colorful typhoon water towers, blue hurricane hill slides, the ultimate giant wave pool, and clear chlorine-smelling vapors, Tik Tokers flocked to this significant amusement attraction, eager to upload their next best viral video.  It was also a significant target for another water park competitor in Des Moines, Iowa, interestingly called “The Pirate’s Plunge.”

                Bright yellow tents and transportable tables took up temporary residence in the parking lot of Watermania for the job fair on a bright sunny day.  Excited job hunters filled out applications and gave them to the employment coordinators for quick screenings, a few questions, then told to wait for a second round.  Tammy, the Human Resources and General Manager of the park, scanned the motley bunch filling out applications, checking out who was in the top physical condition and who could be a secret saboteur trying to infiltrate their hiring process.  Like a hardcore truck driver eyeing for any wayward animals caught in the middle of the road, Tammy watched eager job applicants like a hawk from behind her gold-rimmed dark sunglasses and black security ballcap.  

                "Looking good, Tammy," said Simon, a blast from her past.  Tammy cringed at the voice and slowly turned to face the man she split with to start her journey with other women.  

                "Hello, Simon.  Are you scouting for lifeguards?  Because I highly doubt your Parks & Recs service can beat my exciting Watermania career ventures."  Tammy was still competing with him after all these years, ever since they were lifeguards together working for the city's Parks & Recs neighborhood pool system.    

                "Well, you sure have come a long way.  Anyway, just wanted to take a look, that's all.  Nice seeing you," said Simon.  But Tammy wasn't buying his story.  He was up to something.  

                Then out of the corner of her eye, Tammy spotted Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior filling out their applications, an unlikely pair of kids that frequented her neighborhood pool some years back.  She remembered that Jack slipped on the diving board in an imaginary MMA kick-boxing move only he could have created and almost broke his ankle, falling into the pool, and Tammy dove in to save him.  Tammy cracked a smile at the memory; she knew where those boys came from. 


                Tammy watched Jack and Junior get screened by the employment coordinators, then told to wait for the second round.  She grabbed their applications, scanned the contents then met them under the second-round tent.

                “You boys lookin to be lifeguards?” she asked.

                Jack and Junior looked at each other, then back up at Tammy, saying, “yes.”     

                “That’s not gonna work for you two with your experience,” she said.

                Junior jumped up and pleaded, “Please, ma’am, we need this job.  Our landlord…”

                Tammy held up her hand and motioned for Junior to stop talking.  She said, “Because I have another idea for you boys, which is perfect considering your job qualifications.  I see you two more as Grounds Crew, possibly working in other departments.  What d’ya say, fellas?  Do you like exploring the possibilities?”  Tammy was gloating in a scheme only she knew about.  But she wanted to get the guys onboard before letting them in on her plan. 

                “Grounds Crew?  Isn’t that, like, picking up trash?” questioned Jack.

                “Give us a minute,” Junior said to Tammy, then pulled Jack off to the side to have a quick talk.

                “Dude, what are you doing?” questioned Junior.

                “Bro, I’m just being careful.”

                “Look, we can’t afford to be careful.  Let’s get in there, start the job and see where it goes.”

                “Well, she did say there was a possibility of working in other departments,” said Jack. 

                “And who knows where that could lead?”

                “Fine, let’s do it,” said Jack, apprehensively succumbing to Junior. 

                Tammy overheard them and responded, “Good!  Now you boys wouldn’t mind sticking around for a little background check, would you?  That’s the last step before working at Watermania.”

                “We got nothing else to do today,” said Junior.

                “Perfect, let’s go meet the Moose,” said Tammy as she confidently walked towards the white security tent, followed by a nervous Jack and Junior.

                Standing with his chest beefed up under the security tent and ready to grill every new hire was the head of security, Moose, decked out with pride in the typical mall-type security uniform.  He aimed for an official security look to deter anyone who dared try to defraud his waterpark.  Although, Moose never had any actual police training or experience.           

                When Tammy reached the security station, followed by the two boys, Moose held out his hand for the boy’s job applications she was carrying, and then Tammy departed. 

                “You two have an interesting job history, with only one job listed on your application.  You want to tell me about that, considering you both worked there and now both want to work here?  Because Jerk-off Jay and Butt-crack Bob perving out on hot bitches in bikinis is not part of the job description.” 

                “We used to work for my brother’s company,” Junior said. 

                “And now we want to work for something better than fertilizer,” said Jack.

                “Don’t be playing that Dildo Dumb and Dumber mission crap on me, boy; I ain’t in the mood.”

                “It was our first job right after high school,” said Jack.

                “So now it’s white Harold and Injun Kumar’s Waterworld trip, is it?  Have you boys ever done anything by yourselves without the other’s hand holding your dick?”

                “I thought we were more like Starsky and Hutch,” Junior said.

                “I said don’t be sassing me.  However, I like your Kay and Peel at Costco compadre idealism and might need you for a future assignment,” said Moose.

                “Does this mean we passed the security background check?” asked Jack.

                “Yea, but if you two start acting up like a Cheech and Chong make a porno-pirate movie, then you will need to submit a urine sample, and then you will be fired if you pop positive on a drug test.  Comprende?  And there’s one more thing, company policy: you are not allowed to take any videos or snapshots and post them on social media of any kind while working for the park,” said Moose, handing each boy a clipboard with the company policies, “Read these over then sign the forms.  You two got new-hire orientation tomorrow morning.”

                 Jack and Junior were excited at their good fortune of scoring new jobs at the same place they both applied.  Like two little honeybees buzzing on the drive, they were headed back to their main hive.   

                “Starsky and Hutch?” asked Jack.

                “Yea, why not?” asked Junior back.

                “What about the Dukes of Hazzard?”

                “You just gave me a great idea.  Hold on!” said Junior as he turned off the highway and onto a dirt road.

                “Dude, I don’t think your Yugo is made for off-roading!” said Jack hanging onto the oh-shit bar for dear life. 

                “She can take it,” said Junior with a devilish grin, driving through trees, bushes, and mud puddles. 

                Jack started praying, “Oh, please, Jesus, I don’t want to die a virgin.  I’ve been a good boy….”

                “WHAT?  You’re still a virgin?” Junior couldn’t believe what he was hearing and lost control, getting stuck in a muddy creek, “Dammit!”

                “Want me to call your brother?” asked Jack.

                “Why didn’t you tell me you’re still a virgin?  I thought you lost it at the big high school graduation party?” asked Junior.

                “I lied,” sulked Jack.

                “No worries, bro, we can get you a girl from the waterpark.” 

                “That would be nice.”

                Out in the distance was a flock of sheep herded right towards Jack and Junior sitting in the car.  The boys watched as the flock surrounded the vehicle; a few lifted their legs and peed on it.  The flock’s shepherd was shocked and shooed his herd away from the car.  He then asked the boys, “Are you all right?  Need a hand?”  All three pushed and rocked the car, freeing it from the mud.  Jack and Junior finally returned home without taking any more dirt road detours. 

Click here to read the next chapter --->

May 5, 2023

The Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior - Chapter 2

 

On the road and headed back home, Junior was driving a beat-up nineties blue Yugo while Jack sat in the passenger seat, both in apathy over losing their jobs.  They didn’t notice going by bright neon flag banners surrounding the local waterpark announcing the summer season’s grand opening and a huge white banner that had “JOB FAIR” in bold red letters. 

                “Man, I can’t believe we got shit-canned from the shit factory,” said Jack.

                “Sorry, dude,” said Junior.

                “I’m not.  We’ve been turd trainees for two years, and I want a new job.”

                “Where, in the oblivious and overlooked Omaha, Nebraska?  There’s nothing here, just Raison Bran, TV dinners, and the Missouri River.”

                Jack noticed a highway sign highlighting the Henry Doorly Zoo in the distance, “Let’s get jobs at the zoo!”

                “You want to shovel more shit, Jack?  Because that’s all they do,” said Junior.

                “No shit?” asked Jack.

                “That’s more shit, all kinds of animal shit,” said Junior.

                “My parents did not move us from Florida just so I could shovel shit in Omaha,” replied Jack as he watched the latest Tik Tok trending videos on his cell phone.

                “I mean, look at these guys. They’re making bank just for being on social media.  This chick got a million followers.  Check this out: it’s only a minute, and they got 900K views.  That’s it!  This is what we should be doing!”

                Junior looked at Jack’s cell phone and got distracted by a hot bikini babe dancing to a popular rap song, he didn’t see that he had swerved in the opposite lane until he heard a loud semi-truck blaring its horn.  Junior had to shift to get back in his lane but didn’t see another car speeding behind him.  He quickly swerved off the highway into a field, taking out the barb-wired fence, and slammed on his brakes right before hitting a flock of fluffy white sheep.  The alpha sheep puffed up his chest, walked up to the Yugo, lifted his leg, and peed on the front bumper. 

--------------------------------

Nestled on the edge of Omaha was a little rustic trailer park trashed by rusting heaps of various clutter and a broken-down playground typical of neighborhoods gone to the dogs.  In this very trailer park, Junior and Jack lived with Ken and his stay-at-home midwestern blond belle of a wife named Emma.  She could knock out any drunk and belligerent strip club patron who dared get close to one of her locally famous pole dances as tiny as she was.  Ken was lucky enough to dodge every kick successfully.  Then he engaged Emma in a drinking contest that allowed her to tie him down during a drunken bet.  Neither Ken nor Emma remembers exactly how she got pregnant a few years ago.  But as soon as the test results were positive, Ken promised to care for Emma.  So, Emma retired her tiny string bikinis and eight-inch stilettos to be a marginalized stay-at-home trailer park momma addicted to her newfound social media life as a self-proclaimed producer and director, creating “The Luna Show” for Tik Tok.  Her two-year-old little girl, Luna, was the show’s star, turning the living room into a one-room studio set.                    

                Emma was right in the middle of recording a show when she heard Junior’s Yugo pulling into the driveway.  She raced outside to meet them, “Sorry boys, the studio light is on, so you boys can’t come inside.  Besides, aren’t you boys home a little early?”

                “We got fired,” said Junior.

                “Hold on for a minute….” Emma disappeared and then came back out with three cans of beer.  She ushered the two to sit on the front steps and handed each boy a can. 

                “You need to ask Ken for your jobs back,” said Emma.

                “Not his time,” said Junior.

                “We sorta blew up a truck,” said Jack.

                “Well, shit.  What did you do that for?

                “It was an accident,” said Jack. 

                “It’s not like stripping in some club where you can just go and work the men like an ATM machine whenever you want,” said Junior.

                “Now wait a minute, we let you boys move in here so you could be more independent and responsible and not have to live at your parent’s house down yonder on the other side of this here park, remember?  Ken can only carry you kids for so long.  You need to start adulting,” said Emma.

                “It sucks getting fired,” said Jack.

                “Ken said you know some people here in town, Emma.  Can’t you hook us up?” asked Junior.

                “Eh, you boys don’t want to go down that dirty underground route.  When Ken got me pregnant, it was like God giving me a hand job, finger-banging it into my beaver that I needed to be more responsible with a baby and stop being so careless with my life.  Seriously, do you boys know how easy it is to search for a job nowadays?  Just go online and look for one.  I just saw something on Tik Tok about Watermania.”

                Unbeknownst to Emma, Luna pooped in her pull-on diapers and started whimpering for her momma.  She did not like wearing wet and poopy bottoms.  So, she took her bottoms off and threw them at the window, hoping to get her mom’s attention.    

                PLOP!

                Emma looked at the poop-splattered window and realized she had a production emergency.  She shotgunned her beer as if dying of thirst and rushed inside to record the next best viral sensation, or so she hoped.     

                “Hot babes in bikinis, c’mon bro,” said Jack.

                “I don’t know,” said Junior.

                “I swear Emma is the champ of shotgunning beers; she always beats Ken.  You ready?”  Jack signaled to Junior to get his beer ready; they gave a toast and then chugged and chugged like there was no tomorrow, followed by a massive belching contest.

                A strange, super loud massive belch shook the boys out of their joy when they saw it come from the park’s property manager, Larry.  He was pleased with his incredible belching power and handed Junior a “rent due” notice. 

                “Or maybe we could work at the post office?” asked Junior. 

                Larry listened briefly to the boy’s conversation, then said, “You want to know what I wanted to be when I was your age?  I wanted to own a little donut franchise right here in Omaha and be my own boss.  Bake billions of donuts and have that great slogan, to be the savior of millions of sugary and hungry hearts everywhere.  Then get married and have a cute little family rubbing my feet when I get home from baking all day.  It turns out you need collateral for a ginormous loan to cover the franchise expenses.  Then I would be breaking my back for sixteen hours a day mixing icing toppings, standing in front of hot stoves shoveling shit in and out and in and out of those hot stoves.  Then come home to a nagging nut who wants to spend all your money shopping online and filling up a shitty trailer with senseless garbage teetering on the edge of hoarding.  The point is, don’t get so careless with your imagination that you forget to see reality.  Anyway, I hear Watermania is having a job fair tomorrow.”        

                “Dude, we gotta check it out,” pleaded Jack.

                “You’re giving us thirty days to move out, Larry?  Come on, you went to high school with my brother,” pleaded Junior feeling defeated after glancing over the notice.

                “Did you skip a few lines there, little Ford Junior?” asked Larry.

                Jack snatched the notice and read it carefully, “It says that if we don’t pay rent in thirty days, then we have to move out.”

                “Well, I guess we all know who the smart one is,” said Larry sarcastically.

                “We’ll get you your money,” said Jack.

                “This better not turn into some ‘New Jack Hustle’ because if you break the law, everyone is out.”

                “What?!” Junior was getting offended.

                “It’s a movie, kid, relax.  But seriously, no robbing banks; we’re too small of a town.”

                “Then I guess we’re going to Watermania,” concluded Jack.   


Click here to read the next chapter --->

May 1, 2023

The Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior - Chapter 1

 


It’s a tantalizing social media toy that tweens to twenty-year-olds are using today: TikTok.  With hot chicks decked out in slut bomb brigades, and mediocre dudes dancing like dicks gone wild, Tik Tok has become America’s number-one social media choice, carefree and without any real restraints.  But beware the surmounting Tik Tok tricksters as unsuspecting viewers are caught up in their fancy editing demises, audiences fooled to believe in glorified filtered make-up jobs and karaoke car flashes fueled by two-bit careless comedy wannabees as if they were the real thing.

Jujutsu Jack was addicted to Tik Tok, constantly scrolling through one-minute dancing hot chicks and this summer season’s waterpark babes caught on video with buns of steel bikini wedgies.  He often imagined himself in one of those videos, grabbing viewers’ attention from anywhere, and he thought it would be a great way to meet girls considering his luck in getting a girlfriend was obsolete.  Even though the twenty-year-old Jack was from Jacksonville, Florida, he was built with a Pakistani mighty machismo.  His parents wanted to get out of the money-gobbling hurricane state, so they moved to Omaha, Nebraska, when Jack was eleven-years-old.    

Jack was sitting in a nice shady spot outside the Grassnards Fertilizer Company factory thumbing through Tik Tok videos and waiting for his work break to be over.      

                On the other side of the factory and standing next to the central manure loading conveyor belt was Jack’s best friend, Ford Junior.  They seemed like an unlikely pair of best buds; as soon as Jack started school and was quickly known for his lousy mixed martial arts acting, Jujutsu Jack was born and taken under the local wing of two brothers known as Kenmore and Ford Junior, Kenmore being the oldest.  Their mid-western trailer park mom very cleverly named the two brothers to keep track of how she got pregnant: on top of a Kenmore washing machine and in the back of a Ford truck.  Junior and Jack started working as Fertilizer Operations Trainees under Ken, the Cultivation Technician and Operations Manager of the Grassnards Fertilizer Company. 

While Junior watched a truckload of cow manure driving towards him from the local dairy farm, Ken ran right towards the truck and climbed up the back to scoop a massive handful of manure, smelling it like a fresh bouquet of wildflowers.  Then he took a chemical sampling kit from his back pocket and tested the waste.  Happy with the results, Ken yelled down to his little brother to hoist the conveyor belt behind the truck so they could start unloading the manure for processing. 

                Junior hated his job and cursed his brother’s commands under his breath, not moving at the speed his brother hoped for.  He was bitter, feeling that he got tricked and that it would be a great job right after high school, that there was no other option in the career department.  He thought his asshole of a brother just wanted to order him around with a superiority complex.  He did not want to work for his brother anymore.  So, Junior’s tolerance for taking his brother’s orders was starting to wear thin. 

“C’mon ya fuck-stick, we ain’t got all day!” yelled Ken.   

In a careless move, Junior misjudged a connection and catapulted the conveyor belt into overdrive, spewing cow manure everywhere.  Ken was furious, like a testosterone-filled, red-faced, sweaty madman with a hot June sun beating on his back.  But he quickly clamped up his temper and said, “Ford Junior, if you don’t start paying attention and having a little pride in your job, then you’ll never have a stable career.  How many times do I have to tell you?  You need to start being serious.” 

Junior shook his head, not wanting to believe his older brother.

“You will get this shit inside the factory, and you can do it yourself.” 

“Whatever, Ken fuck-skin,” said Junior mumbling to himself.

“What did you call me?”

Surprised Ken heard him, Junior blurted, “I said fuck you!  I’m not doing this by myself.”  

Jujutsu Jack, wearing a black UFC headband, was driving a forklift around the factory headed in the brother’s direction.  He wasn’t aware of the fight brewing ahead at first; he was too busy watching hot chicks on Tik Tok through his cell phone attached to the dash of the forklift.  But when he saw Ken tackle Junior, smashing his face in the manure, he thought his best friend would die at the hands of his maniac brother.  Jack jumped out of his forklift (still on the move) and attempted to drop-kick Ken in the head as imagined by his MMA meta-verse wishes.  However, as soon as Jack got to Ken, Ken clutched Jack by the scruff of his shirt and made Jack eat shit, just like his best friend. 

“You two pukes ain’t got nothing on me!” scoffed Ken.

 Satisfied by his mighty strength, Ken let go of the two heads squirming in his hands and said to Junior, “Looks like your Jujutsu Jack-fest has arrived right on time to help you clean up this mess.”

KA-BOOM! 

Jack’s driverless forklift ran into the side of the dairy truck and caused a massive explosion, creating a mushroom cloud of cow poop that soon rained down over all the boys.  Unfortunately, Jack and Junior spent the rest of their day cleaning up the massive poop fest.

Click here to read the next chapter --->


April 27, 2023

Chick Writing a Dude Flick?

 


Can a chick write a buddy comedy?  That has yet to be determined.  But as the latest experimental challenge, Niccole Lee has decided to write a buddy comedy titled "Adventures of Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior."  After getting fired from a fertilizer factory, Jujutsu Jack and Ford Junior get caught up in the crossroads of dueling waterparks and a wedgie mystery.  



Some may be asking if this story is really a chick flick in disguise?  Well, that is a very good question.  But let's leave that up to the audience to decide.  Ready to read more?  Stay tuned for the first chapter to be released on May 1, 2023.  

The adventure awaits!

  

September 18, 2022

Tantalizing Trump Jokes Found Online

 


Ever since the United States became a country and voted on its next President, the big man himself has always been the butt of many jokes.  Former President Trump is no different.  So here are some funny one-liner jokes found online that will surely make you chuckle...


These are from: keeplaughingforever.com

  • What is Trump's favorite TV series?
    • Orange is The New Black

    • What is the fastest way to get Trump to change a light bulb?
      • Tell him Obama installed it.

    • Why is Trump unable to be hanged for treason?
      • Fake noose.​

    • What condition does Trump take his anti-anxiety medication for?
      • Hispanic attacks.

    • Why did Trump get absolutely soaked when he was traveling down the river?
      • Fake canoes​

    • How much does it cost to keep Donald Trump alive?
      • One Pence.

    Knock Knock
    Who is there?
    Ray
    Ray who?
    Ray Sist, but my buddies call me Donald Trump


    Las Vegas USA Casino

    September 14, 2022

    Meet Our Creative Director

     


    Hi Niccole, why did you decide to pursue a creative path?

    I pursued this creative and artistic career in comedy entertainment because that is my passion in life. I want to entertain people and make them laugh because it is good for the heart and soul. We need comedy and we need to be able to laugh. I don’t want to give in to the fear and chaos that is out there already. So if I can create a sliver of light and shine it so that people can smile and laugh, then my spirit as an entertainer is satisfied.


    Alright, so let’s move onto what keeps you busy professionally?

    My comedy brand known as ComedyCowhide.com has slowly evolved over a six-year time frame which started when I was an expat living in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I started giving invisible tours to invisible tourists as I drove my drink cart around a golf course, pretending to show off the Mexican version of the Grand Canyon. I learned to poke fun at how Americans can be and sound to foreign people. Then I would pretend that I was giving a stand-up comedy show and would record myself at chipmunk level, creating a comedic podcast series. Then I would poke fun at myself as an “American Cowgirl in Cabo” named Memphis. When I moved to San Diego I evolved the Memphis character to be morelike the lost child of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark meets Ernest (played by Jim Varney). The biggest challenge I have had to overcome is to stick with it, to be persistent when it comes to producing creative entertainment.

    Who else deserves some credit and recognition?

    I get lots of inspiration from various people working in the entertainment industry such as screenwriters, comedians, actors, YouTube video creators, professional writing platforms, and Master Classes. But, especially would like to thank my Biology Professor at Riverside Community College who recommended the University of California in Irvine so I could pursue a bachelor’s degree in English. With my education, I was able to excel in writing which has afforded me the ability to write comedy and jokes and subverted humorous advertising for entertainment purposes of course.


    Connect with Niccole: 

    Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/creativeniccole/

    Twitter: https://twitter.com/creativeniccole

    Watch Comedy Cowhide on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3h-W8WIl8xclg0kAsCgpMA



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