September 3, 2021

January 9, 2021

Great Shit at the US Capitol!

 


Go figure there would be a great flash sale at the US Capitol and nobody advertised for it.  I am actually very jealous at all the cool shit so many people procured, taking pictures and televising it all over the news.  Well what about all of us Garage Sale Shoppers on the West Coast?  It's totally UNFAIR!  I want shoppers equal rights!  At least have those items available on Amazon for Christ's sake.  


And darn those models for making the shit look so good.  What if I want the "Nancy Pelosi" home office?  I want to feel like a President too!  If I didn't know any better I'd say American Interior Designers have got a new trend coming soon to a home office near you.



 

January 2, 2021

Knock, Knock...

 



Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Shit.

Shit who?

It's shit from your Aunt Memphis!



January 1, 2021

Advice for 2021

 


Every family has one, a kooky Aunt that has an interesting way of explaining life with their own philosophies and a twisted sense of humor.  


So listen here, kids, as we gather together in a family circle and look towards the future.  Your dear Aunt Memphis advises, "Just shit moving forward."  




December 29, 2020

Ode to Drinking Beer

 



Ode to Drinking Beer Through the Ages... 

Drinking beer in your 20's, 
you beer-pong-it a plenty.

Drinking beer in your 30's, 
you turn into a dirty birdie.

Drinking beer in your 40's, 
may turn you a little corny.

Drinking beer in your 50's, 
you'll wander like a gypsy.

Drinking beer in your 60's, 
can be a little tricky.

Drinking beer in your 70's, 
watch out for longevity.

Drinking beer in your 80's, 
have fun with the ladies.

Drinking beer in your 90's, 
you reached the almighty.

Drinking beer in your 100's, 
it's official, you're a drunkard!






December 28, 2020

When To Take a Bathroom Break

 


Can you imagine being the President of the United States and while you are in the middle of giving a public speech, your stomach twists and knarls with this inside gassy fart, slowly making it's way through your intestines and right towards your butt-hole.  No matter how hard you squeeze your butt-cheeks to keep it from coming out, gas just plops and poops right on out and right in the middle of the most serious speech you will ever give in the history of your entire life!  


Now what if you were some evil bad guy about to make a serious underground devil type of deal?  Could you put everything on hold for a bathroom break?  Hey, shit does happen.  So let this be the lesson coming into this next new year:  make sure all your gassy problems are thoroughly solved before making deals with the devil, or any Darth Vader speeches, or when you are in the middle of casting a spell.


Thank you!


     

December 26, 2020

Family Roots & Cowboy Boots!


Have pity on a poor old man just wanting to live among people in a new country.  I mean, can you blame him, really?  My dear late great-grandpappy from old Europe, Count Orlok, had to carry his own chest from the ship to his new home.  Nobody bothered to help him.  Now that is horror! How self-centered can a society be, allowing an old man to almost starve to death?!  


Once again, this YouTube video evidence reveals that my great grandpappy could walk in the daylight...but it was hard, especially at his age.  So let's honor him by watching, "'Nosferatu,' a classic 1922 German Expressionist horror film, directed by F. W. Murnau, starring Max Schreck as the vampire Count Orlok. The film, shot in 1921 and released in 1922, was an unauthorized adaptation of Bram Stoker's "Dracula", with names and other details changed because the studio could not obtain the rights to the novel (for instance, "vampire" became "Nosferatu" and "Count Dracula" became "Count Orlok")."




December 25, 2020

Festive Cheer Drink More Beer

 














What if Mrs. Claus had a revelation, that she needed to get out of the North Pole a little bit more often...and, since she believed that Dr. Jekyll was really a nice guy, she tried his magic potion to see how she could spice her life up a little bit more.  


Which leads me into this classic silent movie found on YouTube, "'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,' a 1920 horror silent film, produced by Famous Players-Lasky and released through Paramount/Artcraft. The film is based upon Robert Louis Stevenson's novella "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" and starring actor John Barrymore. The film was directed by John S. Robertson and co-starred Nita Naldi."


The secret longings of being a man-whore, isn't that wonderful?  Just what the doctor ordered on this fine Christmas Day.  Although, you don't have to take my word for it.  You can watch the video evidence unfold for yourself:



Have a Merry Christmas!

December 21, 2020

First Interview as a Vampire


So I got a hold of one of my former roommates at a house I use to live in.  I'm not there anymore.  So as a parting "trick or treat" idea, I decided to prank them with looking all loud and proud.  See, I feel heterosexual people have just as much rights to using taglines traditionally used by homosexuals.  I am all about equality.  I did not see a rule book anywhere that said "for gays only."  I mean, that is segregation.  Besides, I feel like I can wear rainbow gear and still be a flaming heterosexual.  That is my choice.  I also choose to brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush.  Don't forget to floss! 




You can follow me on Twitter.  But just so you know, I'm not in the market for vagina pics.  I already have a vagina and I am not really going to window-shop for one anytime soon.  So, for the dude who automatically sends vagina DM pics: please do your market research, you have to form a relationship with your customer first, make sure you have what they need or want, ask questions, conduct surveys.  I can provide online tarot card business advice if needed.   



December 19, 2020

It's a Merry Matrix X-Mas!















What about the Reinmoose?  I'm just saying, nobody thinks about them and they are totally the minority in this narrative.  Somebody should stick up for the minorities.  The Reinmoose minority has just as much animal rights as any reindeer, no matter how small in numbers they are.  It just ain't right that the reindeer should get all the attention just because they are the majority.  So let this be a lesson learned.   



December 17, 2020

Horror Holiday Hostess & Hibachi Hybrids


 













No but really, let's move onto the really good shit, shall we?  I have this dream of being the next best Elvira...but more like her kid sister because I could never take the place of the most lovely Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.  I just want her old job when she use to host late night film features on television.  So enter "Memphis."  

I also have this homework assignment I am suppose to do for my Comedy Master Class, and that is from Lesson #5: "Try to recall moments in your life that felt like they could have been in a movie. If they don’t feel inherently cinematic, think about other “ingredients” that you could add to these situations to make them even funnier or more amusing."  Well, I like to do this with news headlines, adding other "ingredients" to make them seem more funny and amusing, and I like to post them on Twitter.  

Here are a few samples:




































































So beware of those extra eggnog "ingredients" added to spice your drink.  I promise to wait until the third date so we really get to know each other a little better.  It's Christmas and I believe in the Spirit of Giving.        


December 16, 2020

Good Shit to Smoke

 
















I was on my way to work this morning and saw a train-like collection of shit a homeless person was hauling.  His stuff was parked right at the exit off the highway.  My attention wasn't on the homeless person himself but rather, on all that crap.  How is he able to move around with it?  Does he have some motorized scooter-engine hiding inside?  I wouldn't doubt it.  But that's not the worst of it.  

My inner desires for coffee and mini-chocolate donuts had me stop at the 7-Elevan.  So right as I drove into the parking lot I saw another homeless guy pushing a baby-stroller full of shit.  My immediate thoughts?  THAT'S MOTHERHOOD!  Maybe because I'm single and don't have any kids, but pushing a baby-stroller of a shit-producing junior did not seem very appealing.  That's a lot of shit to deal with!  And then when he or she grows up to be a teenager they manage to throw a lot of shit back at you (most likely for all those times I gave my mom shit).  I thought that was bullshit!  It's bad enough I have to sort shit out at work.        

Sorry, but I did not want to be that homeless guy pushing shit around all day and wonder if some other person has better shit than I do, or live in fear that somebody is going to try to steal my shit, or that some shit-talker is giving me shit because I got good shit to smoke.  No thank you.  

I am so grateful that I got my awesome awareness skills from the Navy.  I was a former Military Police Woman.  I joined the Navy awhile ago to get away from my evil Darth Vader Mother.  I got tired of her always being right.  At any rate I think my future goals include adopting an Italian or Sicilian Mafia Family for protection against my evil Darth Vader Mother.  



December 15, 2020

The Acorn Armegeddon

 













Anybody paying attention to the news?  I mean, what else is there to do?  I like to stay on top of all the current events.  But then we have this most festive holiday season, SO FULL OF CHEER!  And then I got to thinking of the traditional holiday classics like, "A Christmas Carol," "A Charlie Brown Christmas," "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," and of course, "The Nutcracker."  The Nutcracker was really ringing my bell about being the President.  Think about it, if that fantasy dream-like story was carefully crafted and molded to represent the realistic political turmoil of today, I think it would go something like this: If the #Nutcracker was President the 7-headed Mouse King would protest so no one would see the squirrels hijacking all the Christmas acorns. So beware of those squirrels hijacking your acorns this #Christmas. Just sayin....


I call that brilliant piece of work mental pooping.  Want to know why?  Because I know a lot of shit now.  True story.  I really didn't know a whole lot when I was younger, believing that my mom was the Bride of Dracula that one year when I was just 5 years old.  But when Memphis came out I knew that she was definitely the byproduct of that relationship.  

This narrative is all her fault.