December 29, 2020

Ode to Drinking Beer

 



Ode to Drinking Beer Through the Ages... 

Drinking beer in your 20's, 
you beer-pong-it a plenty.

Drinking beer in your 30's, 
you turn into a dirty birdie.

Drinking beer in your 40's, 
may turn you a little corny.

Drinking beer in your 50's, 
you'll wander like a gypsy.

Drinking beer in your 60's, 
can be a little tricky.

Drinking beer in your 70's, 
watch out for longevity.

Drinking beer in your 80's, 
have fun with the ladies.

Drinking beer in your 90's, 
you reached the almighty.

Drinking beer in your 100's, 
it's official, you're a drunkard!






December 28, 2020

When To Take a Bathroom Break

 


Can you imagine being the President of the United States and while you are in the middle of giving a public speech, your stomach twists and knarls with this inside gassy fart, slowly making it's way through your intestines and right towards your butt-hole.  No matter how hard you squeeze your butt-cheeks to keep it from coming out, gas just plops and poops right on out and right in the middle of the most serious speech you will ever give in the history of your entire life!  


Now what if you were some evil bad guy about to make a serious underground devil type of deal?  Could you put everything on hold for a bathroom break?  Hey, shit does happen.  So let this be the lesson coming into this next new year:  make sure all your gassy problems are thoroughly solved before making deals with the devil, or any Darth Vader speeches, or when you are in the middle of casting a spell.


Thank you!


     

December 26, 2020

Family Roots & Cowboy Boots!


Have pity on a poor old man just wanting to live among people in a new country.  I mean, can you blame him, really?  My dear late great-grandpappy from old Europe, Count Orlok, had to carry his own chest from the ship to his new home.  Nobody bothered to help him.  Now that is horror! How self-centered can a society be, allowing an old man to almost starve to death?!  


Once again, this YouTube video evidence reveals that my great grandpappy could walk in the daylight...but it was hard, especially at his age.  So let's honor him by watching, "'Nosferatu,' a classic 1922 German Expressionist horror film, directed by F. W. Murnau, starring Max Schreck as the vampire Count Orlok. The film, shot in 1921 and released in 1922, was an unauthorized adaptation of Bram Stoker's "Dracula", with names and other details changed because the studio could not obtain the rights to the novel (for instance, "vampire" became "Nosferatu" and "Count Dracula" became "Count Orlok")."




December 25, 2020

Festive Cheer Drink More Beer

 














What if Mrs. Claus had a revelation, that she needed to get out of the North Pole a little bit more often...and, since she believed that Dr. Jekyll was really a nice guy, she tried his magic potion to see how she could spice her life up a little bit more.  


Which leads me into this classic silent movie found on YouTube, "'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,' a 1920 horror silent film, produced by Famous Players-Lasky and released through Paramount/Artcraft. The film is based upon Robert Louis Stevenson's novella "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" and starring actor John Barrymore. The film was directed by John S. Robertson and co-starred Nita Naldi."


The secret longings of being a man-whore, isn't that wonderful?  Just what the doctor ordered on this fine Christmas Day.  Although, you don't have to take my word for it.  You can watch the video evidence unfold for yourself:



Have a Merry Christmas!

December 21, 2020

First Interview as a Vampire


So I got a hold of one of my former roommates at a house I use to live in.  I'm not there anymore.  So as a parting "trick or treat" idea, I decided to prank them with looking all loud and proud.  See, I feel heterosexual people have just as much rights to using taglines traditionally used by homosexuals.  I am all about equality.  I did not see a rule book anywhere that said "for gays only."  I mean, that is segregation.  Besides, I feel like I can wear rainbow gear and still be a flaming heterosexual.  That is my choice.  I also choose to brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush.  Don't forget to floss! 




You can follow me on Twitter.  But just so you know, I'm not in the market for vagina pics.  I already have a vagina and I am not really going to window-shop for one anytime soon.  So, for the dude who automatically sends vagina DM pics: please do your market research, you have to form a relationship with your customer first, make sure you have what they need or want, ask questions, conduct surveys.  I can provide online tarot card business advice if needed.   



December 19, 2020

It's a Merry Matrix X-Mas!















What about the Reinmoose?  I'm just saying, nobody thinks about them and they are totally the minority in this narrative.  Somebody should stick up for the minorities.  The Reinmoose minority has just as much animal rights as any reindeer, no matter how small in numbers they are.  It just ain't right that the reindeer should get all the attention just because they are the majority.  So let this be a lesson learned.   



December 17, 2020

Horror Holiday Hostess & Hibachi Hybrids


 













No but really, let's move onto the really good shit, shall we?  I have this dream of being the next best Elvira...but more like her kid sister because I could never take the place of the most lovely Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.  I just want her old job when she use to host late night film features on television.  So enter "Memphis."  

I also have this homework assignment I am suppose to do for my Comedy Master Class, and that is from Lesson #5: "Try to recall moments in your life that felt like they could have been in a movie. If they don’t feel inherently cinematic, think about other “ingredients” that you could add to these situations to make them even funnier or more amusing."  Well, I like to do this with news headlines, adding other "ingredients" to make them seem more funny and amusing, and I like to post them on Twitter.  

Here are a few samples:




































































So beware of those extra eggnog "ingredients" added to spice your drink.  I promise to wait until the third date so we really get to know each other a little better.  It's Christmas and I believe in the Spirit of Giving.        


December 16, 2020

Good Shit to Smoke

 
















I was on my way to work this morning and saw a train-like collection of shit a homeless person was hauling.  His stuff was parked right at the exit off the highway.  My attention wasn't on the homeless person himself but rather, on all that crap.  How is he able to move around with it?  Does he have some motorized scooter-engine hiding inside?  I wouldn't doubt it.  But that's not the worst of it.  

My inner desires for coffee and mini-chocolate donuts had me stop at the 7-Elevan.  So right as I drove into the parking lot I saw another homeless guy pushing a baby-stroller full of shit.  My immediate thoughts?  THAT'S MOTHERHOOD!  Maybe because I'm single and don't have any kids, but pushing a baby-stroller of a shit-producing junior did not seem very appealing.  That's a lot of shit to deal with!  And then when he or she grows up to be a teenager they manage to throw a lot of shit back at you (most likely for all those times I gave my mom shit).  I thought that was bullshit!  It's bad enough I have to sort shit out at work.        

Sorry, but I did not want to be that homeless guy pushing shit around all day and wonder if some other person has better shit than I do, or live in fear that somebody is going to try to steal my shit, or that some shit-talker is giving me shit because I got good shit to smoke.  No thank you.  

I am so grateful that I got my awesome awareness skills from the Navy.  I was a former Military Police Woman.  I joined the Navy awhile ago to get away from my evil Darth Vader Mother.  I got tired of her always being right.  At any rate I think my future goals include adopting an Italian or Sicilian Mafia Family for protection against my evil Darth Vader Mother.  



December 15, 2020

The Acorn Armegeddon

 













Anybody paying attention to the news?  I mean, what else is there to do?  I like to stay on top of all the current events.  But then we have this most festive holiday season, SO FULL OF CHEER!  And then I got to thinking of the traditional holiday classics like, "A Christmas Carol," "A Charlie Brown Christmas," "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," and of course, "The Nutcracker."  The Nutcracker was really ringing my bell about being the President.  Think about it, if that fantasy dream-like story was carefully crafted and molded to represent the realistic political turmoil of today, I think it would go something like this: If the #Nutcracker was President the 7-headed Mouse King would protest so no one would see the squirrels hijacking all the Christmas acorns. So beware of those squirrels hijacking your acorns this #Christmas. Just sayin....


I call that brilliant piece of work mental pooping.  Want to know why?  Because I know a lot of shit now.  True story.  I really didn't know a whole lot when I was younger, believing that my mom was the Bride of Dracula that one year when I was just 5 years old.  But when Memphis came out I knew that she was definitely the byproduct of that relationship.  

This narrative is all her fault.    


       



December 14, 2020

The (Not-Really) Narrative Nativity Story...















Let me make one thing clear: my Mother diagnosed be with having a bi-polar disorder back in 2001.  And a mother is always right, never argue with your mother.  With that being said I thought I would make her proud by working for a church, y'know, to work my light side more.  However, when I decided to take a Master Class in Comedy my dark side started coming out ESPECIALLY when one of the comedy homework assignments was to "make lists" of certain things like: everything that makes me mad, and everything that I think is wrong with myself, or everything I think is wrong with the world, and things I wish I could change about my personality.  Now don't get me wrong, I think it's a good start.  But, when you plug in a vampire-witch alter ego from Mexico named Memphis, trying to write a list, she created this ultra-cleverly type of topic to actually write a list for: 

The top 5 reasons why my church should NOT fire me for leading this double life if they find out about it...

  • Reason #1 - I am the next best Jesus Christ Superstar in my attention-getting costume, especially since Christmas is coming up!  I mean, why not?
  • Reason #2 - I can prevent any spells from being casted on our Church's parishioners, like the next best guard dog.  Therefore I am the savior of my church.
  • Reason #3 - Have you seen the movie, "Twilight?"  Well I have that same magnetic personality which would bring more people into our church.  I do have attention getting skills.
  • Reason #4 - Speaking of guard dogs, I can fight evil with my evil considering I am actually a rebel of the dark side, coming into the light.  I came from the dark side, I know the dark side, therefore I can fight the dark side with my dark side.
  • Reason #5 - I can conjure up the dead and find out where in the f*k is the Garden of Eden, as well as many other Bible mysteries yet to be solved.  They can point us in the right direction with the help of my magical powers.  Memphis solves the bible puzzles! So you see, it pays to have a vampire-witch in your corner (wink-wink).  

 

 

December 12, 2020

Cock-A-Hoop & Comedy Soup

 

"Cock-a-hoop" is a real word, that is not a joke.  Cock-a-hoop (käkəˈho͞op) is an adjective that is defined as, "extremely and obviously pleased, especially about a triumph or success."  For example which has been copy and pasted directly from Google is, "the team is cock-a-hoop at winning its first game of the season."  That is exactly how I feel when it comes to learning about Comedy through the Masterclass.com series and under the direction of Judd Apatow (https://www.masterclass.com/classes/judd-apatow-teaches-comedy).  Like drinking chicken soup, I feel good about taking this online class which has definitely opened my eyes about the world of comedy.  

A couple of years ago I dabbled in humor and created snarky material.  But I was never really serious about comedy.  Then I picked it back up with these "stay-at-home" orders and felt a rekindled passion with wanting to entertain through humor.  Now I am transforming this site which will include my comedy homework assignments by Judd's Comedy Master Class and I will be testing my new bi-polar, alter-ego material as it unfolds.  I don't know which ego will come out yet, but the one called Memphis has the country accent since she is from somewhere down south like Mexico.    



So you may want to follow me on Twitter, I post all my stuff on Twitter first...

it's quick and easy (wink-wink)  Did I mention my mom wants grandchildren? 



December 9, 2020

The Thundersnow Mystery Solver


Does anybody follow Twitter? Don’t lie, you know you do, especially for the headlines, so true, so honest, so tantalizing to re-tweet with your two-cents, of course. I love following those trends, to see who is paying attention to what, like what everyone is thinking on Tuesday, what wonderful wisdom is coming on Wednesday (who needs school?), followed by more thoughts on Thursday, or maybe it’s a throwback? 

Then Friday comes along and of course, there’s (hashtag) FridayThoughts (all one word in case you didn’t know). Then I saw this news headline article posted and it read exactly like this, “What is thundersnow?” 

And I’m like, is this for real? Do people seriously want to know the answer because amazingly one just popped into my head as soon as I saw the question! 

So for all of my 1K followers I decided to retweet the article link and plug in my answer. Are you ready to hear it? And I quote, "This is what happens when the fat man in the red suit is unable to take a break while having to beat UPS and Amazon at delivering toys to the entire planet in 24 hours! No time to pull over…(serious smiley face). Then an arrow pointing to the question, “What is thundersnow?” There, I just solved the riddle. Merry Christmas!




May 29, 2020

May 22, 2020

May 14, 2020

My First Bathroom Confession


When your church is closed down and you have no other way to confess...and now it's the Memphis secret to ultimate success!!